Here is a post on another blog that mentions me at the New York conference. I really got a lot out of that trip.
Click ->here<- to read it.
Showing posts with label New York. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New York. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
New York -Walking Brooklyn Bridge
The first non conference day when I was left alone on my own in the city, I just started walking. I had no destination in mind or ideas of what I might want to see, I just put on my shoes and headed out. Well, I wasn't far from the Brooklyn Bridge and I knew Etsy has an office on the other side so I decided to walk across. It was hot and humid, very very muggy. Being from the West Coast, I had an idea of what muggy might feel like and this was definitely it. I guess it's kind of like being from a place where you've never experienced snow. We don't get much snow but we do have clean crisp air.
The heat and the moisture felt like it was closing in on my body. The warm wind blew mist droplets into my eyes which is why my photo looks so serious. I have graft vs host in my eyes so they don't clear themselves out like they should.
I loved every minute of my trek across the water. The wind blew, the traffic raced by down below and there were the sound of bike bells ringing as cyclists rode by on the boardwalk in the bike lane.
There were a few lonely looking vendors selling silk-screened T's of the bridge and surrounding scenery. I really wished I could have bought a couple for my sons but I had no money for this trip.
Which is fine because I'm actually quite content to see where my feet will take me.
In the distance in this last photo is the Statue of Liberty which was becoming visible through the mist.
Walking the bridge was an intensely beautiful experience.
The heat and the moisture felt like it was closing in on my body. The warm wind blew mist droplets into my eyes which is why my photo looks so serious. I have graft vs host in my eyes so they don't clear themselves out like they should.
I loved every minute of my trek across the water. The wind blew, the traffic raced by down below and there were the sound of bike bells ringing as cyclists rode by on the boardwalk in the bike lane.
There were a few lonely looking vendors selling silk-screened T's of the bridge and surrounding scenery. I really wished I could have bought a couple for my sons but I had no money for this trip.
Which is fine because I'm actually quite content to see where my feet will take me.
In the distance in this last photo is the Statue of Liberty which was becoming visible through the mist.
Walking the bridge was an intensely beautiful experience.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
New York City
New York city was an amazing surprise for a West Coast Island girl. I love the ocean and greenery but there was a lot to love in NY. I'm generally not a fan of cities but I there was something amazing to see at every corner on my trip.
I stayed right near Wall St on the 20th floor, some of these photos are my view out the window. I was surprised to find I was right near ground zero and I could see the new construction happening. It's a truly amazing city.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
i2Y OMG Cancer Summit
Here are some of the photos from the "I'm Too Young for This" cancer summit in New York. It was a really great experience but the best part was meeting the amazing people there. It was an upbeat day talking about a hard subject that we're all dealing with.
It was So wonderful meeting you all! And very exciting that I got pictures with some of the bloggers I only knew online. I finally got to meet the community that has helped me pull through this long haul.
And I think it's kind of funny how awful I look in these photos but the conference did start at 6am my time! In some of these photos I look like I might just drop unconscious onto the floor at any second. I'm actually pretty proud of myself that I didn't.
Before I went I was really concerned if it would be worth it. It definitely was!
It was So wonderful meeting you all! And very exciting that I got pictures with some of the bloggers I only knew online. I finally got to meet the community that has helped me pull through this long haul.
And I think it's kind of funny how awful I look in these photos but the conference did start at 6am my time! In some of these photos I look like I might just drop unconscious onto the floor at any second. I'm actually pretty proud of myself that I didn't.
Before I went I was really concerned if it would be worth it. It definitely was!
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Shut in Steps Out
My days in New York were more than a conference or a place to get away for a few days to. Now that I'm back I realize was an attempt to break out of this grey place I'm in by default. I feel so much like my life is out of my control and I've been forced into this bullshit rut of mediocrity. I really hate this place I'm in in every way possible.... yet I'm alive, right? Aren't I supposed to be humbly grateful that I've survived the fearsome clutches of cancer? That I'm 'supposed' to roll over and quietly accept that my life is fucked?
I hate this. I hate my life so much that I can't even be passionate about it. I feel like a wet noodle.
My memory is fuzzy and my life is not the same as it was before. I'm not even sure which way I'm supposed to be going. I stay home because of my fragile health and I'm really not sure what to even go out and do. I look out my windows and I don't recognize this place as a place I want to be.
I had a meltdown a few weeks ago where I was exhausted beyond coping and angry, desperate words just fell out of my mouth at my sons. It was almost like I was watching someone else control my actions.
I am one hundred percent about being responsible for ones own actions yet I fucked up. I was half asleep and my sons were hanging around in the house chatting and doing something on the computer. They were late to school and didn't seem at all concerned about getting there and I lost it.
I had this overwhelming fear that they would fail, have to repeat a year and then I'd be stuck in this house for an extra year. I yelled how I don't want to be here and how this isn't how my life is supposed to be. I yelled at them about how they expect me to spoon feed them and I can't take being here for an extra year. And I yelled it again, 'I can't TAKE this for another year", until they ran out the door. I'm only here to give them a stable few years to finish high school because I can barely cope with life as a mom now. I feel angry and scared and pissed off beyond all reason, yet I keep it to myself.... until I overflowed like a Menthos dropped into a 2 litre bottle of Coke.
I cried dry tears all day because my fucking tear ducts don't work and then I cried because my fucking tear ducts don't work. How is a person supposed to get a good cry in? Why is it that something as fundamental as crying or sleeping can be taken from you?
And if that doesn't convince you that I get the parent FAIL award... it was also my youngest son's 15th birthday. I sobbed as I cleaned the house, blew up balloons, scrubbed dishes, baked and iced a cake. I went over and over what I would say to them when they got home, if they came home. I tried to figure out a way I would earn their forgiveness for the horrible things I said. I felt like a monster.
By the afternoon as I was finishing the icing I was at the kitchen window putting the last touches on. Suddenly a couple of glowing, smiling faces popped up at me. Not only that but they had each brought a friend with them. I felt so overwhelmed that my awful behaviour had rolled of their backs and they were excited to get home to have the birthday celebrations. That's when I felt truly, truly grateful.
Grateful that I have such wonderful boys that somehow understood how much I love them and that I'm human and can crack under a feather. I apologized and they both hugged me and told me it wasn't a problem. They acknowledged that it was partially their fault and that they should have gone to school on time. They also didn't seem bothered when my eyes were gross, red and it looked like someone had punched my in the eyes from my body's feeble attempt at crying all day. All three of them and their friends were smiles and cheer singing happy birthday, batting around balloons and having a good time.
Not sure what this all has to do with New York except that I desperately needed to prove to myself that I could get a piece of myself back.
All my life plans and the things I had worked for have been thrown out the window with little hope of getting them back. The more time that goes by, the more I realize the game has been changed forever. The city I live now was supposed to be a place of transition, not a deep rut.
I'll never forget the week I received my transplant. I was in my hospital bed, dealing with all the chemo with the happy thought that I would get it done and then continue my plans of travelling and getting my MBA in Australia. I will never, never forget the moment when I was given the first beating of my spirit. My oncologist was at the end of my bed and I was chirping on telling him my plans for the future. That's when he told me I wouldn't be able to leave the country for 5 years. As he saw my look of utter horror and I argued with him for a bit, he said it was possible with the best case scenario that I may be able to travel to somewhere like New Zealand after 3 years. Apparently New Zealand is on par with Canada for treating BMT patients.
That's the first day a piece of me broke...
So after a year of being deadly ill before my diagnosis, 3 months of hospitalization and aggressive treatment...
...just shy of 4 years later and 2 days after my last immunization I hop on a plane.
It's about freaking time.
I hate this. I hate my life so much that I can't even be passionate about it. I feel like a wet noodle.
My memory is fuzzy and my life is not the same as it was before. I'm not even sure which way I'm supposed to be going. I stay home because of my fragile health and I'm really not sure what to even go out and do. I look out my windows and I don't recognize this place as a place I want to be.
I had a meltdown a few weeks ago where I was exhausted beyond coping and angry, desperate words just fell out of my mouth at my sons. It was almost like I was watching someone else control my actions.
I am one hundred percent about being responsible for ones own actions yet I fucked up. I was half asleep and my sons were hanging around in the house chatting and doing something on the computer. They were late to school and didn't seem at all concerned about getting there and I lost it.
I had this overwhelming fear that they would fail, have to repeat a year and then I'd be stuck in this house for an extra year. I yelled how I don't want to be here and how this isn't how my life is supposed to be. I yelled at them about how they expect me to spoon feed them and I can't take being here for an extra year. And I yelled it again, 'I can't TAKE this for another year", until they ran out the door. I'm only here to give them a stable few years to finish high school because I can barely cope with life as a mom now. I feel angry and scared and pissed off beyond all reason, yet I keep it to myself.... until I overflowed like a Menthos dropped into a 2 litre bottle of Coke.
I cried dry tears all day because my fucking tear ducts don't work and then I cried because my fucking tear ducts don't work. How is a person supposed to get a good cry in? Why is it that something as fundamental as crying or sleeping can be taken from you?
And if that doesn't convince you that I get the parent FAIL award... it was also my youngest son's 15th birthday. I sobbed as I cleaned the house, blew up balloons, scrubbed dishes, baked and iced a cake. I went over and over what I would say to them when they got home, if they came home. I tried to figure out a way I would earn their forgiveness for the horrible things I said. I felt like a monster.
By the afternoon as I was finishing the icing I was at the kitchen window putting the last touches on. Suddenly a couple of glowing, smiling faces popped up at me. Not only that but they had each brought a friend with them. I felt so overwhelmed that my awful behaviour had rolled of their backs and they were excited to get home to have the birthday celebrations. That's when I felt truly, truly grateful.
Grateful that I have such wonderful boys that somehow understood how much I love them and that I'm human and can crack under a feather. I apologized and they both hugged me and told me it wasn't a problem. They acknowledged that it was partially their fault and that they should have gone to school on time. They also didn't seem bothered when my eyes were gross, red and it looked like someone had punched my in the eyes from my body's feeble attempt at crying all day. All three of them and their friends were smiles and cheer singing happy birthday, batting around balloons and having a good time.
Not sure what this all has to do with New York except that I desperately needed to prove to myself that I could get a piece of myself back.
All my life plans and the things I had worked for have been thrown out the window with little hope of getting them back. The more time that goes by, the more I realize the game has been changed forever. The city I live now was supposed to be a place of transition, not a deep rut.
I'll never forget the week I received my transplant. I was in my hospital bed, dealing with all the chemo with the happy thought that I would get it done and then continue my plans of travelling and getting my MBA in Australia. I will never, never forget the moment when I was given the first beating of my spirit. My oncologist was at the end of my bed and I was chirping on telling him my plans for the future. That's when he told me I wouldn't be able to leave the country for 5 years. As he saw my look of utter horror and I argued with him for a bit, he said it was possible with the best case scenario that I may be able to travel to somewhere like New Zealand after 3 years. Apparently New Zealand is on par with Canada for treating BMT patients.
That's the first day a piece of me broke...
So after a year of being deadly ill before my diagnosis, 3 months of hospitalization and aggressive treatment...
...just shy of 4 years later and 2 days after my last immunization I hop on a plane.
It's about freaking time.
Monday, May 24, 2010
New York
Wow. For the first time ever, I'm living vicariously through myself. I flew to New York city for the OMG Cancer Summit and it was a great and emotional day. I went to the cocktail evening but I arrived several hours late due to some crazy traveling adventures.
I've been told by many people that New York was an amazing place but it was hard for me to have a concept of what it would be like. So far, every thing I do is beyond what I ever would have expected. And I was reminded one big thing about myself, I really am happy living a low key lifestyle. I have zero budget to be here and am really content to just wander around seeing whatever there is to see. Even thought it's taken me a lifetime to get to travel somewhere, at least I made it.
Right now my feet are killing me and I'm taking it easy. I'm wiped.
I've been told by many people that New York was an amazing place but it was hard for me to have a concept of what it would be like. So far, every thing I do is beyond what I ever would have expected. And I was reminded one big thing about myself, I really am happy living a low key lifestyle. I have zero budget to be here and am really content to just wander around seeing whatever there is to see. Even thought it's taken me a lifetime to get to travel somewhere, at least I made it.
Right now my feet are killing me and I'm taking it easy. I'm wiped.
Monday, April 12, 2010
OMG! Cancer Summit
I've decided I'm going this year! The summit is 3/4 full so if you want in, register now!
OMG! Cancer Summit
I'm really hoping to finally fill the need I have to be around some people who know what I'm going through. I won't be the odd man out for once!
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