Crashing.I'm not so much crashing as just thrashing for air. As a child I was quite wild but I threw spontaneity out the window when I had children. When I became suddenly on my own years ago I built a fortress of safety and stability around our lives. No undue risks were taken as I was that fortress of stability. My physical ability to take care of us was our insurance. I have always had plan A, plan B, plan C and possibly a plan D.
I never could have planned for what's happening now.
As I recover I'm constantly asking myself, "What can I do?" I'm also deflecting comments like,"You look good. Are you back to work yet?"
No. I'm sinking under the quiet chaos. The chaos of being unable, but trying to get plan A, B, C, D, E, F, and G into effect. I get lost not knowing which way to go, which one to choose.
I've never been at such a loss. If I knew I was going to get better, then I may know which way to go.
This doesn't mean that I'm not positive in my outlook. It doesn't mean that my "attitude" is lacking. It means that all the positive thinking in the world will not keep me with shelter and food for my family.
Strategic thinking will. Luckily I'm good at that.
