Photopalooza Day # I can't take waiting for my camera much longer without ending up in a mental institution for lack of a creative outlet

Crashing.

I'm not so much crashing as just thrashing for air. As a child I was quite wild but I threw spontaneity out the window when I had children. When I became suddenly on my own years ago I built a fortress of safety and stability around our lives. No undue risks were taken as I was that fortress of stability. My physical ability to take care of us was our insurance. I have always had plan A, plan B, plan C and possibly a plan D.

I never could have planned for what's happening now.

As I recover I'm constantly asking myself, "What can I do?" I'm also deflecting comments like,"You look good. Are you back to work yet?"

No. I'm sinking under the quiet chaos. The chaos of being unable, but trying to get plan A, B, C, D, E, F, and G into effect. I get lost not knowing which way to go, which one to choose.

I've never been at such a loss. If I knew I was going to get better, then I may know which way to go.

This doesn't mean that I'm not positive in my outlook. It doesn't mean that my "attitude" is lacking. It means that all the positive thinking in the world will not keep me with shelter and food for my family.

Strategic thinking will. Luckily I'm good at that.

Fell Off the Photopalooza

When is my camera going to be ready anyway?

Sorry I haven't been posting the last few days. I've been busy.

Busy with what?

Well...to tell you the truth, I'm neither here nor there. I'm doing a little of this and some of that. As I'm working on that I'm going back to this.

Wha?

Good question. I seem to be going in undefined circles of indecisiveness. I have an art show to prepare for. I'm doing that. I have a camera to mourn for. I'm doing that. Other than that I can't seem to get my head on straight. I have so many things I'd love to do but I just end up in circles when I try to get anything done.
I have fantastic projects lined up but I seem to be able to get thrown off at a the least little thing. Yeesh. I did it just now. I went into the kitchen to make tea. I took my mug out of the dishwasher, found the dishwasher didn't run last night and stuffed more dishes in it and turned it on.

No tea.

I went back and made my tea. Now I was just on my patio eating cereal. I haven't touched my tea or finished this blog post.

Oh no. I forgot to take my medications.

Chemo Brain sucks.

Photopolooza -Day 100,000,006

These photos were from a week before my diagnosis. I had work up in several places but here I was working on some photo documentation.

Art, not medical procedures was the focus of my life that year.



I had some fun projects, like this one, which were just to blow off steam.



My studio was huge and never ending. It was my place of solace. I grew into my larger space and I began building huge canvas'. I began doing very small and very large work simultaneously.



There was a rhythm to my life and it was coming out on my canvas. I would work on several at one time, just adding layers of paint. Hot fiery abstract skyscapes began forming as well as cool dark ones. Within those canvas, I built a sense of limbo and impending danger and chaos.

Detail

My sense of intuition was creeping it's way into my work. As I became more ill, my paintings changed, and without my knowing, reflected my health. The last painting I was working on showed the planes of my previous paintings, breaking up and falling from a green, ill coloured sky.

I always wonder now about other peoples sense of intuition. My studio was within a larger space and shared with two young women.

One of the women wasn't there a whole lot and began building large papier mache blob like sculptures. I couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be about. Months later, in hospital, I received my graduation catalog. When I looked through it, I found her card and description of her year long project. Her paper sculptures were cancer.

From her write up, "The specific concept I am fascinated by is mutated growth, which although alive, will eventually terminate both itself and the host it relies on."

I give her an F.

Confrontation of Self -Photopalooza Day 6

I'm a mother and a student and an artist. I didn't have much concept of myself outside of those categories before. I certainly didn't exist as an individual. My life was for others and my focus was always outwards. There isn't much room for the existence of self, with three boys.

My life changed in an instant.

In contradiction, my hospital room was a cell where I was not allowed to leave and was far from my family. I had to mostly stay in my room and was never allowed to leave my floor. I was not used to being away from my children.

When you strip a human being of their family, friends, job, personal effects, coping mechanisms, freedom and hang them on the edge of life, you may find that there isn't a whole lot left. There is an empty hole where that person used to be. Finding myself with no other focus I honestly wondered what it mattered if I was here or not.

With my new camera, I began to take photos of everything around me in my room. I took photographs of all the disinfectants, gloves and medical paraphernalia which I, myself, needed. In this cell, it was all about me. As I pitched and rose through fevers, chemotherapy, and reactions to medications, I had to spend my moments with myself,

so I turned the camera around.

Super Freak -Photopalooza Day #?

My friends have always told me I was crazy. They thought I was a germ freak because I don't touch doorhandles with my bare hands etc. When I did janitorial at a young age I realized that thousands of hands touch those mall doorhandles every day. Later on in university I was getting sick a lot because everyone brought their germs to school.

I read on article on hand washing and how germs are actually spread, and WHAMMO, I was armed with knowledge! I got sick very little in those years. Today I don't know if that knowledge saved my life or delayed my diagnosis because I didn't catch most germs going around.

My habits turned out helpful, because when I had chemo, they didn't need to teach me how to protect myself, I already did it by instinct. Now to add to that, I also have a huge list of types of food I can't eat and places I can't eat at. I'm not allowed to have soft serve ice cream, fake crab or anything from a street vendor. I don't touch things behind deli glass or that are made with mayo.

A couple of days ago I bought a spinach dip from my local high end grocery store. Yeesh. What a mistake. I was very ill for the last couple of days. At least now I can get validation from my friends who think I'm a crazy, germaphobe.

I'm on the mend now and I feel alright today. My poor body.

Speaking of crazy, bodies and all that, I thought I would post photos of my stem cell donor. I call him Donor Dave.

My brother, who is a little bit of a goof ball, saved my life. His cells are my cells and I have his DNA. Hello crime spree!

He may look like a man of no fears here wearing my wigs, but he in fact is terrified of needles and hospital procedures.

He went ahead anyway and spent a week donating his precious little cells for me!

The chances of finding a donor match among your siblings is %25, and with him being my only sibling, it was nerve wracking waiting to find out. Something deep inside me told me he would be a match. Since then I have seen large families find out there were no matches for them. One was a friend of mine, Connie.

At my Graduation party, before my bone marrow transplant, I gave him this shirt and the funky crown. Three cheers for donor Dave!

I kid and I call him my spare parts guy...he has two perfectly good kidneys.

I guess I come by the crazy, honestly.

Photopalooza-Day 1

Happy Singles Awareness Day! We can't let all those couples have all the fun.

My grad photo is my official first Photopolooza post. I'm inviting anyone else who wants to do it too, just leave me a message and I'll put your blog on the list.



I was lucky enough to be allowed home for my graduation during my treatment in Vancouver. I'd been working too long and too hard to miss it. I was bald and had a little bit of an upset about getting the official photos done. I'm a visual person and my idea of what I would look like in those pictures, was long standing. I shed a few tears when the moment came.

In general I wore my bald head proudly so I just went commando. The photographer wasn't too thrilled I think, but she hid it well and was very supportive. I always had a bit of a bra burning mentality about wigs. Why should I hide who I am behind something false? I went out once with a real looking wig and felt ashamed and mortified like I was trying to hide something. I stuck with the wildly colourful ones after that, when I was in the mood. There was no way, with a pink sparkley wig, that I was trying to look like I had real hair.


June 8 2006

I was the only one graduating with blue hair on convocation day and I received several compliments. The city's newspaper came and took a photo for an article about me and asked me why the blue wig.

Why not? was my answer.

Oh, and by the way, I found the best place to buy wigs, was in the porn and novelty shops. Happy shopping! Just beware of the room at the back.



If you want to come and play then let me know in the comment section. These are the blogs that are doing the Photopalooza too. You're all invited!

http://etsyhighdesertdiva.blogspot.com

http://smashart.blogspot.com

http://6and30.blogspot.com/

http://jerzdailygrind.blogspot.com