Rescue 911

I seem to be bottoming out emotionally. I'm just having a harder and harder time accepting my limitations.

I'm so frustrated with every facet of how my life is going. I did not see this as my future, my being too tired to work or even get the house cleaning done. I feel like part of me is crumbling.

I was 33 when I was diagnosed. I was just finishing a long battle to complete university with exceptional grades and was ready to kick off a fantastic career. I was ready!

Now I don't know what tomorrow will bring much less next year. I'm exhausted, can't seem to focus and I feel like a complete failure.

I am starting to wonder how I can continue like this. I am incredibly frustrated and unhappy and it seems to be drowning me.

Because I know I'm hitting such a low point means that I can take some action. I've always felt that there is an answer to every problem, you just have to explore and find it.

This is my action plan.

#1 is to make small exercise every day my #1 priority. I will go to my arthritic waterfit class twice a week and do the best I can. I will go for a walk, even if it is only around my block. Exercise is a definite mood lifter.

#2 I am going back to the Cancer Agency to talk to a counsellor.

#3 Reading about Lance Armstrong. He's hot, successful and he beat cancer to carry on an exceptional life.

I know I need help but I also know that I'm the only one here to do it. I'll get there.

*UPDATE: After cruising a cancer forum I remembered that coming off prednisone can cause depression as well as cause general emotional upheavals. DUH! This happened the last time I was taken off this drug and my doctor explained it all to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember all the side effects to all of my drugs. I've made an appointment to see my GP for this afternoon.

Oncology day

Today is my big oncology appointment. I haven't been for 3 months! The leash is getting a little longer. My blood work as been looking uber fabulous, every two weeks it looks even better. Heck, I think it's almost normal. My liver has calmed down and is playing nice. My hemoglobin is good and my creatinine levels are not too shabby. One thing related to my liver is off and that is the GGTP. It's double the number it should be but I don't even know what that is so, whatever, it doesn't count.

I'm expecting a change in my medications and a change in my treatment today. I'm expecting a move forward. What I'm looking forward to most, is being taken off the prednisone. My muscles will return and I will sleep again. My face will return to normal and I'll feel like a human being. There is a lot to look forward to. No more fighting back tears as I struggle to get through the grocery store. No more feeling like a humiliated ass as I park in the handicapped spots because I have to. No more feeling like a shadow of myself.

My pain levels have shot up considerably but it's a good thing and I'll tell you why. I have to have that surgery done. It cannot wait. I am a patient person and I have a very high pain tolerance level. I am not able to cope with this level of pain and my life at the same time. If the problem becomes an infection I will not be able to bounce back well from it. My body is not up for the fight. Today I can look my oncologist in the eye and let her know without a doubt that this needs to be done NOW. The pain is just giving me the confirmation that I am correct and the permission to push for what I need. I'm hoping I don't come home today. I hope they put me under and fix me so I can finally pull my shit together, get better and get on with my life.

Stuff of Dreams

It's days away from being two years since I was diagnosed and flown away by helicopter. When I was wisked away I though I'd be home and back in commission in 3 months. Talk about not getting the severity of what they were going to do to me. When I initially asked they wouldn't talk about it. It would have been nice if someone had said, hey! You're almost dead but not quite so we are going to poison you almost to the point of no return and then change your DNA, Have a nice day:)

I guess not everyone is into brutal eye gouging honesty.

Anyway, two years later I'm finally starting to feel better! Omyfuckinggawd! Everything looks different the last couple of weeks. The sky is bluer, the sun is shining brighter, the grass is greener. I think I could be a freak'n fabric softener commercial.


Soon I'll be dancing and singing on the mountain tops with Julie Andrews. You Rock it baby!

The major source of my trouble at this point is the graft vs host which is my brothers feisty immune system attacking my liver and other things. The "other things" is a whole other post. I react quite badly to the steroids I have to take. They make my life miserable.

They are the wee little pills at the top of the photo, labeled; Prednisone. Such a big wallop for such small pills.

The good news is that my tapering is going well, my liver is stable and I may be off them soon. I get unreasonably excited every time I'm about to taper them down again.

Currently I'm on 1/2 a pill which is 2.5mg, every other day. I haven't had to visit my oncologist in 3 months! I'm pretty sure she is lonely and misses me since I'm not in her office all the time now. I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks. Maybe then she'll let me off of them permanently! Oh, to dream.


I'm finally having renewed strength in the belief that I will get better again.

Good News!

I am not so bed ridden right now. I am feeling so much better! Last Friday I could not stand very well on one leg, today I can stand on one leg and lift it quite high! The prednisone I am on creates muscle loss but I'm being weened. Nothing I did before could help me get much stronger but the weening is now making such a difference. I was actually able to go out tonight (which is why I haven't pulled the draw yet. I'm doing it tomorrow).

I feel a bit silly but I am so excited! I'm starting to feel like I may have a life again! I also checked my blood work results and my liver function is continuing to improve so I called my oncologist and asked if I could lower the dose again. She said yes and I didn't even have to travel to Vancouver!!! I feel like a kid at Christmas.

In about two weeks I should feel even a bit better! I'm getting some quality of life back.

Soon I'm going to be able to take Skully's advice, make a hoop and and get my wiggle on. Check out the 2 videos on her blog, they will awe and inspire you! She even has a site about it, Hyperloop Hoops.
Feel'n good for once! Woohoo!

Remember to check later Sat. for who won the magazine!