Nowhere, yet here

Well, I covered 2,050 Km (or 637 miles) in 6 days. Four days of driving and two full days of rest. I didn't know how I would feel after arriving home after my run for the hills.


For a brief period I was able to shed my life and not acknowledge the fact that I must be back by Tuesday to have my bloodwork taken and have a new ECG so they can put me on a new medication. I was able to pass the highway that leads to all of my doctors appointments and keep going. I was able to pass all of my specialists and not have to go in. I've had such a deep need to escape for so long. Running away worked for a brief period of time but I had to come back.

Truthfully, I could have stayed at the lake and become a lake person. I grew up around the ocean and swimming in rivers. The water is such a healing influence for me.


As a child I could stay under the water for so long that I though I could almost become one of the river creatures. Despite all my trying, I became a land creature instead. Now I walk the beaches.



This trip revealed a lot of things to me, not all of it nice. I feel as lost as ever about my life and what has happened to it.

I am nowhere that I want to be.

Lake Sitting

It's evening and the heat from the day is blowing softly across the lake. I sat on the wharf listening to the ripples of the water and the train rumbling by. A young guy had a stereo system in his boat and was pumping out the tunes that thumped clear across the water. As I sat with my hair blowing in the breeze, I just tried to let everything process.

I feel like a cicada shedding it's skin.

I feel as if I'm purging my old life. I've made some brutal mistakes on this trip and and am rolling in hurt. Have you ever wondered if you're not the heroine of your own life but actually the tragic figure? Today has been rough. Nothing like spending days with yourself for flushing out old demons. The mild heat stroke from driving all day in the car hasn't helped.

I hope I am dealing with things now and will be coming back a different person. All I can really do though, is hope.

Road Trip -Second Leg Commences

Starting to head back through the Rockies today, more tired and a little wiser.

Regina a Bust

So, I've decided Regina isn't in the cards for me this time. I spent yesterday in bed and I can't imagine going any further. Regina foiled me again! (alright, it's only been once)

This journey has been good for me. It's helped break through some losses that I felt very deeply. The friend I am staying with is very contemplative, so we've spent time chatting about what the hell do we do? Where is the line between enjoyment and building your life? I was all about building and left no time for myself. I was all about working and was expecting to reap the rewards. You get out of life what you put in, right?

Not always, I'm a prime example of that. Cancer kicked my ass, or I guess the more precise truth is, the cancer treatment kicked my ass.

My life is a blur now, I really don't know where to go from here. The uncertainties that lay in wait are overwhelming. Every day I deal with problem solving my health because every day there is something hefty to deal with. I just want to live without being so constrained. Hell, I want to do well.

Which I will but when, where and how? I shouldn't have to restart at 36, should I?

What do you do when you have to restart at 36?

I feel a weird emptiness. Letting go leaves a void to be filled and I find that void frightening.

Rockies Photo-rama

Two days of adventure in snapshots, in no particular order. It's been an intense two days on the run and I'm not done yet.

(Ha, ha, sorry couldn't resist)

Made it to Calgary!

I made it to Calgary where I am staying with a friend. There is NO snow here but I did drive though some up in the mountains. That gave me a bit of a freaky moment but after 10 minutes it stopped. I may not get to Regina for the photography show but If I don't, I will be just as happy. I'll go to the Vancouver one whenever that arrives. I just needed to go, and here I am. I am gone.

:)

Maybe I will be able to add some photo highlights in the morning.

Day 2

This was me freaking out on the ferry yesterday when I found out my destination has SNOW! I only packed summer dresses!

This morning at the hotel. I'm going to have such a great day!

Running Away

I'm feeling pretty good.

Certainly far from perfect but functioning in a way that feels like being let out from an extended vacation inside a stuffy cramped trunk. There has been a weird and sudden change for the better (says my body, not my blood work). Three weeks ago I was pretty fragile and still stumbling over my own feet. My hands were still dropping things and refusing to do anything requiring fine motor skills. I also spent a lot of time being painfully exhausted.

Then the other day I took my son spelunking for his birthday (I'll post the photos later). I was just SO determined that after three years I could do that for him again. I went into the caves and explored until I fell and hit the rocks. It was pretty embarrassing especially since my arm was paralyzed for the next ten minutes and I was trying my best to look like I was alright.

I was so excited that I actually made it in and out of the caves! Alive even! So the other day I went to walk some trails at the base of a local mountain. I was walking and next thing I knew my stubborn streak kicked in. I climbed the damned thing! I stood at the tallest point where I could see the entire city, the ocean and the Rocky Mountains. I felt like a fucking rock star.

So, I went up it the next day and the next and then my sons came with me and I did it again! When I went up there the first few times, I literally didn't know if my legs would bring me out again. They tend to collapse if I'm tired.

But suddenly it's like I've been given some fantastical super powers. Something simple that most people take for granted feels like an Olympic achievement. NOBODY on that mountain is as happy or as proud as I am. NOBODY.

I feel like I can fly.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out on a road trip. I might make it or I might not. I might be high on my own adrenaline but as long as I have this window of opportunity I'm running for the hills. AWAY from the damned hospital, AWAY from my constant bloodwork, AWAY from the fucking hospital tests and AWAY from all this sick cancer grossness.

Best case scenario, I make it and keep on feeling better. Worst case scenario is I go back to feeling like I was, but then I at least took my chance while I have it. It's a win-win situation.

Photography Exhibition

I just found out a self portrait I took during my chemotherapy is touring around Canada. I had submitted the photo over a year ago and hadn't received any confirmation that it had been accepted. Well, I Googled myself out of curiosity the other day and found myself on a favourite 10 photos list on some random medical site. The other 9 photos on that list are intensely beautiful and I feel honoured and amazed that mine was included.

This is a slightly cropped version of the photo in the show. I was receiving one of the 6 days of chemotherapy that was going to wipe out my immune system completely. After the 6 days, there is a day of rest and then the transplant.


There was more than I could ever tell you, going through my mind that day. I had my running shoes ready to escape the hospital, just in case. Glad I didn't run because I wouldn't be here now.

The photos are also up on the Photosensitive site, click here to see the online gallery. The show, called Cancer Connections, is a joint project between the Canadian Cancer Society and Photosensitive. There are over 400 images in the show.

Here are 6 other photos I took from the ten favourite list off the random medical site.







These pictures are so stunning and raw, giving a small glimpse into our personal cancer experiences.

I would love to see it in person. I have itchy feet and really want to travel, so going to the next opening of this show would really hit the spot.

I have no idea if I could get there, but you never know.