Alone

Living post cancer is such a lonely thing. No one can share your fear with you when it pops up and no one can share your bone crushing exhaustion nor all the weird physical problems that arise. I feel a crossover of having such a successful show that I built from the ground up and the aftermath of it all. Being too tired to function really gets me down. I think it's the only time I start to waver and feel like my life is one huge black hole sucking the light out of me.

What good is the sunshine when you can't enjoy it? I hate those days when the sky is blue and I know I should be outside but just can't get up. I know I need to take care of myself for a few days or more until I feel better but this exhaustion always feels like defeat. It feels like I have let myself and my sons down.

I don't really know anyone that can understand this, or that's how I feel anyway. I tend to curl up into a ball and retreat from everyone until it's passed. I don't want anyone to see the deep gullies under my eyes or how much I've aged overnight. I would hate anyone to think of me as being haggard or worse yet feel sorry for me. I occasionally see myself in the mirror when I'm like this and it makes me sad for myself. Fuck cancer and everything it's done to my body. I just want the youthful strong body back again.

I know the feeling will pass and I'll get back to being myself again for a while. It's odd how this freakish exhaustion makes me feel like I've just bought a pass to loserville. My mind wants to think that it's my fault somehow, like I must have done something stupid or wrong. When you have chronic illness like this it seems like it could be easy to just give up on yourself and mentally check out . I believe in myself too much for that. I'm also as stubborn as they come. I will beat this, I will get up again and I will prevail. Fuck cancer.

Flipping Tired

but I keep on painting.


I feel like I'm in a game of Frogger where I keep jumping, dodging and narrowly missing catastrophe at every turn but I'm not letting it stop me from painting. If I believed in fate I'd think something was trying to test me and keep me from getting the work done for my arts shows. Anything and everything has been happening and I keep thinking I'm getting to the end just for something else to start.

Having 3 sons is a lot to do with that right now. Teenagers are a handfull and not in any of the ways you'd expect.

It's just life. Life is happening and I need to keep up lest be run over.

Hair

Here is my new cut! Unfortunately the photo is of me after crawling out of bed and slugging through the mall trying to get my Christmas crap done before it snows again. So it goes without saying that this is the hair devoid of any primping other that the bedhead my pillows may have given me. That look is back in again, right?

Man, I'm tired....
That's a painting I did behind me to pump up the colour and to distract everyone from noticing that I'm about to fall over.

Well, there goes my topic. I meant to write about hair products. Mind if I just lay here? Thanks.