"She's doing the disabled thing again"

I've been working a lot lot, even when I probably shouldn't be. I say yes a lot even when I know it might knock me flat. I like to at least try.

The last few weeks at work (job #1) I've been covering for someone that has left even though I know I can't keep doing it, as well as working job #2. I've also been to a few outrageous parties (whole other story) when I probably should have stayed in bed. The only problem is that missing out on life isn't worth it so I try to mitigate the suffering that will follow. My days have been like this, work-work-work-work-rest/suffer-work-party-suffer-rest-work-work-work-work-work-suffer-party-suffer-suffer -work etc. I'm not complaining, this is the best things have been for years.

Yesterday one of my best friend's flew the coop. She has run off to Tokyo for a couple of years and we had a send off party for her. It's also my birthday this week. I've been slooowing down as the days go by.

So just now I went to wash my socks for work tomorrow. I found myself staring into a washing machine full of unclean towels. Then I looked into the dryer and there is a load of clean and dried boys things. I couldn't find the energy to switch them so I called both of my sons. They usually ignore me these days, now that my needs aren't so acute. They used to help me around when I was ill.

There must have been some sort of tone in my voice that they remembered because they both came running. They found me on the floor of the laundry room where I had sunk from exhaustion. Now that I'm working, the laundry has piled up to epic proportions. I just don't have the energy for it but I need clean socks for tomorrow so I don't repel my coworkers.

As I lay there concealed in mountains of bluejeans and T-shirts mumbling that I need clean socks, I heard my youngest say, "She's doing the disabled thing again."

They snickered at me, rolled me out into the hallway and switched the laundry.

Flipping Tired

but I keep on painting.


I feel like I'm in a game of Frogger where I keep jumping, dodging and narrowly missing catastrophe at every turn but I'm not letting it stop me from painting. If I believed in fate I'd think something was trying to test me and keep me from getting the work done for my arts shows. Anything and everything has been happening and I keep thinking I'm getting to the end just for something else to start.

Having 3 sons is a lot to do with that right now. Teenagers are a handfull and not in any of the ways you'd expect.

It's just life. Life is happening and I need to keep up lest be run over.

Merry Christmas from the Canadian West Coast

Sicko

I'm sick.... again.

This time it's been six days but what seems to happen, is that my multiple ailments start to overlap making things really hard. Most days I have some sort of physical problem that I'm managing and usually I can have an alright day. Sometimes another thing will creep in.

I was sick for three full months with the H1N1 flu and it was awful. I'm still thankful that I was able to manage through Christmas because it's really hard to explain to people what I'm dealing with and also hard to get all of my obligations taken care of.

Well, whatever I have right now was given to me by my son and of course they sail through it and keep functioning but I screech to a sudden halt.

My stomach has been giving me problems, my skin has eczema that's flaring so my face is itchy, blotchy and red, my throat is killing me, peeling lips, my tongue is swelling and my eyes are gumming up horribly. So badly, in fact that my eyes are completely red and are crusted over when I wake up in the morning. I'm a mess. I'm getting a little worried this cold/flu is manifesting itself to be something sinister.

I was just at the Dr. last week, before this cold thingy took hold. Right now it's graft vs host, pollen from our early spring and the bacteria or virus rampaging around my body. Good grief. It's in miserable little moments like this that I feel a wee bit sorry for myself.

I had to go out today to buy fake tears and watch my sons rugby game. Luckily I have the largest pair of sunglasses known to man. I had several people say, 'cool shades' which made me feel a little bit less of a red eyed freak. Of course my youngest son said, 'those sunglasses look TOO big!'

Ahhh, the bigger the better, little one. The bigger the better.

Pawn Shop

Being a mom to 3 sons has always been interesting... or maybe I should have put that in quotation marks? Being a mom to 3 sons has always been "interesting". They are active to the point of bouncing off the walls, they used to climb trees bigger than my house and they always had at least 5 friends over at a time when they would just be a blur as they circled around and around the house. I have always been extremely active in their lives and knowing what they are up to and in to. Sometimes it's not so much fun knowing that stuff but that's my job.

I have to be there, be open and loving and also be the bootcamp leader, and the one who says "No" and mean it. Basically I have to play "Bad Cop/ Good Cop" all on my own. I want them to feel loved, respected, listened to, trusted and protected, although the last few years they have become my protectors. They have an amazing reflex to catch me when I wobble and I haven't hit the ground yet!

Despite being fairly "in the know" about what they do, I also know that they are all decent, good kindhearted people. They have boundaries and interests and are not afraid to lend a hand to help someone out. And the mischief they have gotten into as teenagers has been more about climbing up places they shouldn't be. Really, I like them more now than I ever have. Damn it, I like my teenagers!

So my youngest comes home today after school and tells me how his friend and him went to a pawn shop. They traded old games for new ones and when they got back to his friend's house and opened them they noticed the game disk wasn't there. Heck no, there was a porn DVD instead.

So when he came in, he told me about it. He said he was ticked off that the game he wanted wasn't there, but like any boy on the planet, he also looked slightly curious. I confiscated it. It's called, "Truly Nice Tits 8, Breast Friends". I'm holding it for him until tomorrow when he goes back and swaps it in.

I appreciate his honesty a great deal but I can't help know that he is going to regret telling me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

I'm sure he's probably in his room now thinking, "damn!"

It's only natural. I'm sure they sneaked a peak at it at his friends house anyway. I don't think anyone has been irreparably damaged by seeing breasts before especially since he has seen all the nude life drawing I used to bring home after my classes.

Yes, Just another day at my house.

Children in the Attic

I sit here in my living room hearing what sounds like footsteps above my head. They sound like hesitant steps of someone tiptoeing....wandering....

That's because I keep the children in the attic.

For my safety's sake they have the upstairs, not including my bedroom and I have the downstairs and the kitchen. We have an upper and a lower bathroom as well. I have put rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle to disinfect all the doorhandles, light switches and faucet taps. I stocked up on soup, gingerale, Tylenol and Halls (by special request). I have my Tamiflu in my purse ready to take.

I'm all set for the zombie apocalypse...oops, I mean the H1N1.

I keep putting on my mask, going upstairs and making deliveries of tea, food and drink to the infected. I'm hoping if I appease the fickle higher powers, they may have mercy and pass me by.

Meanwhile, in my body I think there is a mini triathlon going on. It seems like there is some sort of internal finish line and the microscopic viruses are racing my antibodies for the win. Who will get there first? I've definitely been exposed and keep having a touch of a sore throat, mild headache and hot flashes.... but unfortunately that's a normal day for me. I really can't tell who's winning.

I'm on the antibodies team for obvious reasons, I'm not ready to put those pretty shoes on yet.

Lovely Lady

I picked up my sons from wrestling last night and popped by Safeway for some chocolate. The sleeping issue is really dragging me down so I figured chocolate would make it all better. As we dug through piles of pink boas, balloons, tables with pink M&M's, pink toilet paper and other pink paraphernalia we managed to find the goody isle. I felt even worse because the new October Pink Fest always reminds me that nobody gives a fuck about my cancer or anyone elses other than breast cancer because it's not marketable.

Then my sons were all hyped up from all the adrenaline and testosterone raging around in their teenage bodies. They were asking me question after question after another freak'n question, bouncing around topics like they were in a verbal ping pong tournament and every sentence started with, Mum.

"Mom! My stomach hurts!", "Mom! Can I have a dollar?", Mom! What if zombies came right now in the grocery store!", "Mom! I think I have to go to the hospital", "Mom! I need a job!", "Mom! What if people see us with just this junk? They'll think we eat crap all the time", "Mom! Can I have an iced tea?", "Mom! I need a new snowboard!", "Mom! When can we...", "Mom!" ....etc, etc et-fucking-cetera.

My brain was in mental meltdown mode as I stood there blankly staring at the rows and rows of chocolate. The boys were surrounding me and taking up the whole isle chirping at me like giant baby birds.

The entire time there was an older woman in the isle also picking out treats. I was thinking, "Man, she must be annoyed at all of this commotion over one little purchase". Instead of yelling, "STOP NAGGING YOUR MOM!", like I thought she was going to, she said, "You should tell your mom she looks too young and pretty to be your mother. You boys are lucky to have such a wonderful, beautiful young mom".

They just stopped in their tracks gaping, mouths open mid sentence and looked at me like I was an alien... or like I was missing my head. Or like I was an alien missing it's head. They smiled back at her and said, "Um, yeah" (because they are actually very polite young men) and we went on our way.

We shuffled around and climbed through the piles of pink fluff again to get to the cashier to pay for our purchases and left.

It lifted my spirits and I was reminded what a great impact small gestures of kindness make.

Series of Unfortunate Events

Damn.

Son who is almost 16 was asked to go out to a girls birthday party which consisted of driving around in a limo. Son was very excited because he's never been in a limo, asked to stay out late for the first time.

He is also finally making new friends at his new school and is a very good son so I reluctantly say yes, wanting to allow son a new experience that I can't afford to give him. I take down all relevant phone #s, the address etc. send him out with $15 which is a huge and rare treat.

Had an overly exhausted day due to having a cold but waited patiently for him to call so I could pick him up. Son calls slightly later than he was supposed to at 2am, what was I thinking?

I put youngest son in car and drive out to pick up middle son. He says he'll meet me at the pool so I don't have to drive around finding the house while I'm insanely tired. It's near a McDonalds and my throat is scratchy so I tell youngest son I will get him fries so I can get a hot chocolate.

As I'm driving well within speed limits bright flashing lights go off behind me. I pull over thinking this is my first random check ever. Police officer comes out and tells me my insurance has expired a couple of days ago.

Jaw hits floor of car.

Police officer realizes I have never had a driving violation or accident before and gives me a lesser type of fine and calls a tow truck. Gives me the ticket as I'm perspiring wondering how I will get to son because I have forgotten the address and #s at home. Police officer rolls his eyes like I'm a bad parent for allowing my 15 year old to wander the streets partying his ass off.

I don't own cell phone, neither does son because we can't even afford cable. Other than rolling his eyes officer is very kind, so is tow truck driver who flags down a cab. Police officer has instructed me that tow truck driver can't take us because he only has two extra seats and I also have youngest son with me.

Tow truck driver says he will meet us at our house. Cab driver is also very kind and says I'm lucky that it wasn't a drinking driving violation. I exclaim that would never happen because I would never drink and drive, duh, in my squeaky sore throat and my slightly slurring speech, due to being horrifically over tired, startled and beyond my functioning level. It's now 3am and cab driver rolls eyes about my son roaming the streets at all hours. Notice that cab driver had just come from McDonald's and is eating fries.

With cab we start looking for son. We can't see him so cab driver asks if he has a cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have phone number of who son is with. I have forgotten it at home. I get out of cab and start hollering in the dark until son morphs out of the shadows. I have trained him well about how to stay out of harms way. He asks why the heck I'm in a cab.

Cab drops us off at home.

4am
$15 for sons night out
$10 of major chocolate splurge to appease younger son who felt left out
$89 ticket but luckily not $600 that officer threatened
$30 cab ride with no tip added
$106 tow fee
$50 to get my new address on my license tomorrow

Perfect 20 year driving record shot to hell.

= $300, most expensive night of my life and I didn't even get to do anything other than stand in cold.

+ Overcome by slightly irrational fear of marrying a cab driver or tow truck driver instead of a university professor because they are very kind and cute with handsome bald heads and I don't get out enough and they are damn fine looking.

Thank God for credit cards. Fuck chemo brain to hell.

Wedding Day Eve

My brother's wedding day is tomorrow. He's the guy that lent me some of his stem cells and that's why I'm here today.

Preparing for a wedding sure takes a lot of money and effort and all we are doing is showing up. I bought my sons new clothes and shoes, as well as getting myself a dress.

I dug around my antique jewellery and decided on some sparkley beads,

To go with the grey dress,

and the Fly shoes.

I couldn't afford a sweater for me, so I bought a beautiful wrap in a light grey so as not to compete with the shoes.



Money is really tight these days and often I find that can lead to a lot more creative solutions! I made a painting for them and couldn't afford wrapping paper or even tape so I dug around the house for what I had. I came up with some brown paper and pulled out my paints. I had to glue the wrapping paper together and then I added the detail. I decided there would be no surprise once they saw the shape of the gift, so I just went with it.

My son did say after that maybe they could have thought it was a very large book.


Speaking of creative solutions, their daughter turned one last month and I found an old decrepit little bunny rocker in the thrift store. It was made by hand by somebody and I decided it needed a new life. My sons scraped paint, sanded, redid screws, painted and I did the embellishment on top.


It was $5 and I used what I had kicking around. I did buy a new can of clearcoat to protect it so it cost almost $15 in the end.

It won over a lot of hearts, too.

Melting

So the crunch time is now. My son is graduating this week and I am having my vagina surgery this week.

Monday -fly to Vancouver for an unexpected anaesthesiologist appointment
Tuesday -take son #2 to Dr because he thinks he has a cracked rib.
Wednesday- Have to clean the houe, cook turkey and have my sons grandparents, my sons dad, sons girlfriend and her parents. The we go to the walk up.
Thursday- drive to Vancouver for surgery, stay overnight at the Cancer lodge.
Friday -first thing in the morning have my surgery
Come back Friday
Saturday- sons prom where he will be dressed up in his tux.

I can' believe this is happening. My sons grad is supposed to be about HIM. Not my fucking surgery.

I also don't have any money. As in no money for rent. No money for a grad present. I have a credit card for the dinner and then I'm done financially. I'm not sure what will happen next.

I refuse to give up being productive some way which pays monetarily. I need money. The costs of my medications are just not on the budget.

Boys

I'm having a hard time believing my surgery will take this pain and sickness away. I feel like carp and am trying my best to be interactive with my family. I often have a long face, simply because of how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm putting out the vibes that I'm mad at them, which I'm not. Until I get super grumpy and my middle son says, "Holy, mom, you're so grumpy".

I've been reading to the kids at night and have been tucking them in to bed like sausages. I used to do that when they were little and they are still loving it.

I feel like my prolonged illness has left a hole. I was gone for six months full time and half the time, for several months after that. My boys were young boys and when I came back they were changed. They were becoming young men. Despite boys acting all independent, they still need their parents and unfortunately I'm all they have. I owe it to them to be here.

I'm here but my capabilities are not at a proper parenting level. It makes me sad for them. Their manners have been corrupted in the stress of me being away and I've missed out on many life lessons. They are good kids with good intentions but are slobs. I can't blame them, through all this trauma but we need to pull ourselves back together. Farting is NOT a joke. Burping is NOT appropriate. Rooms should be kept clean, dishes should remain in the kitchen.

But who am I kidding. All this work I've done to make them well adjusted capable human beings and now life is upside down. Of all the people I've talked to going through cancer recovery, none of them have been single parents of a large family. How do you heal when shit has to be done? I need someone taking care of me and I hate it.

It sucks and is shitty and crappy and whatever. Blah blah blah.

My sons are such amazing people. They deserve better than a sick grouchy mom.