Fun Day

The mountain and I had a date a few days ago. We haven't seen each other much since I started working again but I plan on making it more. There's nothing like the view after my own two feet have taken me to the top.

Merry Christmas from the Canadian West Coast

Project Kill

Killing my project list, that is.

Being sick again (through October to the end of Novemebr) has knocked me off my feet and I inevitably get set right back and have piles of work and life stuff to get done. I find it very stressful to have all these things that need doing when I am unable to get them done. Because I am an artist and I am not able to get back to work yet because of my health, I find that I end up picking up projects for people. My brain still thinks it's five years ago when I could get multiple things accomplished every day but reality hits when I feel completely inept and overwhelmed.

Most of my days has this omnipresent feeling of being behind and even guilt, yet I wander around in circles too stressed and chemo brained to get anything done. Hiding from it all is no way to live. I find these little projects which are often photography projects clog up my psyche.

I start to feel better and then I am slammed with everything that needs to get done. Well no more! I made a kill list and all my projects are on it. I'm trying my best to not get distracted while I'm at my computer and I'm trying my best to remember to eat because I end up cycling into exhaustion if I forget to.

So far I have killed 2 big projects and am onto a third today. I'm not working on my paintings yet because I need to clear the slate. I expect a sense of freedom to arrive when I'm done and I won't be taking on anything else. My sons and my needs will come first.... like it should be.

The first project haunting me was some snapshots of whales for some friends of mine. I was visiting my family when from their patio, I saw some orcas approaching. I grabbed my camera in just enough time to get a few shots of the Killer Whale family coming in close to the shore and swimming in between boats. Then I realized my friends were on the one boat quietly watching.








As peaceful as this looks, the pod was hunting seals and I watched as the older ones stood by as the young whales killed a seal. I also saw a few seals sitting quietly very close to shore terrified out of their wits, I'm sure.

Just a few more, larger projects to go!

Evening Breaks

Often the smallest moments are the most powerful ones.

Hopeless

I went out taking some photos yesterday. My goal was to get the most amazing blues but in the end my favourite photo was Hopeless.

Kayaking at Sunset

I'm going through the motions of the things on my grand adventure list but today the worry and the loss of myself is overpowering. I still got into the kayak and I slipped quietly over the calm darkening water. The waves rode along side me and kept me buoyant. The sun set over me and the full moon rose over the water sending little glints of light off each ripple.



As I clumsily paddled outward I felt a peace come over me. I just kept putting the oars in the salty ocean and heading out to where the colours met the sky. My heart is aching and I am scared, lost and confused about my life, where it's gone and what I should be doing next.

The quiet ripples soothed me and quieted my mind. I absentmindedly paddled for the open water away from the safety of the little cove. I went a bit to far and my kayak companions called me from the shore telling me I was heading out to far.

This snapped me back into reality and I just let the water take me in. The kelp was thick and deep with the bulbous heads peaking up breaking the water's surface.

I felt empty on this important little adventure. I felt nowhere. Deep down I felt like the waves should just carry me away to...

...somewhere else.

Where just seems like details. Disappearing has always been a huge draw for me. Here one day and gone the next, yet it has never happened except in my dreams.

What the heck do I have here? I ask myself that question every day.




Lots of love to anyone reading this. Where would you escape to if you have the chance?

Namaste.

My 4th Rebirthday from Beginning to End

Hmmmm, I wondered. How should I spend my 4th anniversary of being free and clear of cancer? What would someone do if this was the best day of their lives?

I decided that donuts for breakfast would be the thing to do so I went to my favourite bakery in my old hometown, on my way to hurl myself off a canyon cliff.


In the end, the slice of apple pie caught my eye because of the fat hunks of apple in it. It was delicious! While I was there someone I knew quite well came in. When he found out where I was going and what day it was he said, "So you've beaten cancer and now you're going to do what?"


Hell yes.


I grabbed my youngest son to be my reluctant videographer and then my parents decided they were coming too and hopped in my car. As we arrived they were all arguing about bringing the dog or something... I wasn't really paying attention because I just wanted to absorb the sheer glory of the day.

My day.


I arrived to a giant staircase the went straight up into the sky.


When I got to the top my son and father were already up there, my son feeling unphotogenic for once and a little peaved because he wasn't getting to jump too.


A gentleman was ahead of me and when it was asked why he was jumping he said it was for his 65th birthday. I would have high-fived him but he wasted no time at the top before he jumped.


Next thing you know I was getting my feet strapped in and was getting asked if I wanted to dip into the water. There was no anxiety at that point about jumping. Just excitement.

But then as I shuffled my feet to get to the edge I felt the heavy cord tugging slightly at my feet and a rush of fear hit me. I spent a lot of my life at rivers cliff jumping but this was different.

I stood at the top holding the bars at the sides of me. My body began to have an anxiety attack and the blood began rushing through my body as my hands gripped those bars. I hadn't felt fear like that since I was in the hospital having received my 6 days of total chemo and my one day of rest.

I knew I would die if I refused my transplant, left the hospital or if some crazy problem came up with my donor... like him running for the hills. These were all unlikely scenarios but ones I couldn't seem to get out of my mind. I had brought nothing with me to the hospital but my running shoes... just in case I made a break for it. I had given my trust to the doctors, my donor, the people caring for my children and everyone else my life now depended on. The bag of new stem cells they were about to give me was about to change me forever. I would never be the same and never be able to go back.

Before my family arrived I went into the washroom that was in my private hospital room. That was the only place I was allowed to go and I stood there in sheer and utter fear. I shook, I cried, I was comforted by a friend and my nurse. The nurse spoke to me and talked me through my fears. Yes, it was life changing, yes it's a difficult day to deal with, yes I had every right to be afraid.

I don't know how long I stayed in there but it felt like most of the day. I eventually composed myself and came out ready to take the leap.

And now here I was atop a canyon with a bungee cord strapped around my ankles and could feel the weight of it pulling me down.

I knew it was safe, I knew everything would be fine which is something I did not have with my stem cell transplant but I had to wrestle with myself. I had put my trust into these strangers that strapped me in and would control my fall. I had to trust.

In those moments, the bungee guy by my side talked to me. He told me it was safe, he told me he's jumped 45 times, he talked me through my panic. I took deep breathes and told my self aloud repeatedly, "I can do this, I can do this, I CAN do this". I overcame my overwhelming will to run. I felt more ready but my left hand would not let go of the bar. The bungee guy offered to hold my arms up for me but I refused because I wanted to be the one in control. He kept talking until he was saying, "You beat cancer, this is nothing, you CAN do this!"


And I jumped.


As I hurdled face first towards the Earth thought I might spontaneously die. Not from the fall but from my inability to cope.



Then I stretched my hands above my head and broke the surface of the water. The gentle force from the bungee cords hurled me back up into the air and down again. As I flew, I knew I had done it. I had conquered.


Climbing the staircase all the way back up was another matter.


As I drove home back through the mountains I drove past this car in the valley lot. It was as if we instantaneously knew each other. I'm pretty sure whatever that is, it's my car.


Back in Victoria I went to Willows beach to get some onion rings because I love them. I sat eating them on a bench, admiring the view and watching the beach revelers. I caught this photo with a bird flying past. I felt so content.



I then went to a close friend's house and stayed for a while.


As I headed home I went down to the ocean to watch the sun set. The colours of the sky were so extraordinary that a passerby commented that he lives here but had never seen such colours.


It was a perfect day in a not so perfect life.