Monday, October 22, 2007

All Stupid Now

The heat is on. Not that long ago I could kick ass at University and life in general. I had a mind like a steel trap, I remembered everything. I've always been full of random facts and one of my favorite things was to research some new idea. Yeah, I'm a bit of a geek but geek is chic now, right?

After my very first round of chemo I realized I wasn't remebering very well. I suddenly couldn't remember anyones phone #. The nurse giggled "Oh, that's Chemo Brain". Chemo Brain? What the fuck? (of course I said "WTF" in my head). The way she said it, I thought, Oh well..must be temporary.

Temporary my ass.

It's been a year and a half later and I can remember peoples phone numbers now but a lot more slips through my brain cells. I can't seem to manage myself very well. It turns out life is full of complications like, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, eating etc. Takes up the entire day. I find cell phones confusing because It takes me a bit to remember how to use it. I pay my bill twice, or late, I forget my words as I'm speaking. This "remembering" thing is out of control.

I have other things which need to be done like groceries and Dr.s appointments. Yesterday I woke up and realized I have a Vancouver appointment on Tuesday. Shit! Not only that but they called me to confirm a few days ago and I was supposed to call back. I forgot as soon as I heard the message. It snuck up on me despite that I've known for a month and have had reminders.

What's happened to me? I have to arrange a ride, meals for the kids, ferry times and all that. I have to call right now to even see if I still have an appoinment.

I've tried many things to combat this ditzyness. My cellphone alarm goes off to remind me of my medications, I have a calendar on my computer (which I am attatched to). I can't even get the information correctly onto my computer! I try to call and double check everything, usually finding out I had it wrong.

I know I am whining but I'm scared. I feel like a complete idiot. When will this get better? When will the old me be be back again? How do I let poeple know I may not recognise them on the street or remember their names or even that I talked to them?

So, here is my "Chemo Brain" disclaimer;

To whom it may concern;

Due to chemo brain, menopause, lack of sleep and high levels of medications I regret to inform you that I may forget some things. I may forget what we talked about, that we went out to lunch or that I haven't spoken to you for weeks or months. I may forget if I owe you money or if you owe me money. I may even forget that I was mad at you at some point, so this, you may regard as a plus.

Please do not be offended as I mean none by it. Please don't go telling all your other freinds that I'm "all stupid now". I'm sure you won't but if you do, likely I won't remember.


Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry to hear of your memory problems. I will say a little prayer for you and hope that things get better soon. Keep your chin up.

Skully said...

I've got a complete sievehead. Things fall through my brain and out the other side and hardly touch the sides. I used to let it wind me up and bother me, but then I'd forget what I was bothered about and then get mad at anything and everything randomly so that I could explain away the feelings of rage in my head.

I now have learned that memory is sometimes over rated. I forget so much now days that every day it like everything is brand spanking new. I get too look at everything fresh again. It does make keeping appointments a bit of a nightmare, but hey, as a bonus I forget what the pain I had was that I was going to see the doctor about anyway.

I can still knit, crochet, hula hoop, spin poi and all the other stuff my body does due to the greatness of muscle memory, so I'm happy.

I'll bimble along in my forgetful unpredictable manner and hope that I don't forget to breath every now and then. All I hope is the people I love around me don't get too exasperated with my weirdness and wander off.


Bohemian Chic said...

I think life and stress will do that to you too...don't forget about that million you owe me..(kidding)

Kelly Kane said...

Funny thing... I swear I commented, and then I check and voila, no comment from your BFF! So here's a comment! You'll get your mojo back soon girl, you have to! And you sooo owe me $500,000, I can't believe that you keep forgetting!!!

I hope you're doing well, and that you remember who I am, and that we're best friends.

Oh and there is a woman writing a book on cancer, well chemo brain to be more exact, so I shared your latest post with her. I hope you don't mind. She had trouble getting to your site earlier (no clue why, I sent a link) so maybe just ignore this, but wouldn't that be cool if she included your chemo brain rant in a book!!

Miss you!!