All Stupid Now

The heat is on. Not that long ago I could kick ass at University and life in general. I had a mind like a steel trap, I remembered everything. I've always been full of random facts and one of my favorite things was to research some new idea. Yeah, I'm a bit of a geek but geek is chic now, right?



After my very first round of chemo I realized I wasn't remebering very well. I suddenly couldn't remember anyones phone #. The nurse giggled "Oh, that's Chemo Brain". Chemo Brain? What the fuck? (of course I said "WTF" in my head). The way she said it, I thought, Oh well..must be temporary.

Temporary my ass.

It's been a year and a half later and I can remember peoples phone numbers now but a lot more slips through my brain cells. I can't seem to manage myself very well. It turns out life is full of complications like, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, eating etc. Takes up the entire day. I find cell phones confusing because It takes me a bit to remember how to use it. I pay my bill twice, or late, I forget my words as I'm speaking. This "remembering" thing is out of control.

I have other things which need to be done like groceries and Dr.s appointments. Yesterday I woke up and realized I have a Vancouver appointment on Tuesday. Shit! Not only that but they called me to confirm a few days ago and I was supposed to call back. I forgot as soon as I heard the message. It snuck up on me despite that I've known for a month and have had reminders.

What's happened to me? I have to arrange a ride, meals for the kids, ferry times and all that. I have to call right now to even see if I still have an appoinment.

I've tried many things to combat this ditzyness. My cellphone alarm goes off to remind me of my medications, I have a calendar on my computer (which I am attatched to). I can't even get the information correctly onto my computer! I try to call and double check everything, usually finding out I had it wrong.

I know I am whining but I'm scared. I feel like a complete idiot. When will this get better? When will the old me be be back again? How do I let poeple know I may not recognise them on the street or remember their names or even that I talked to them?

So, here is my "Chemo Brain" disclaimer;

To whom it may concern;

Due to chemo brain, menopause, lack of sleep and high levels of medications I regret to inform you that I may forget some things. I may forget what we talked about, that we went out to lunch or that I haven't spoken to you for weeks or months. I may forget if I owe you money or if you owe me money. I may even forget that I was mad at you at some point, so this, you may regard as a plus.

Please do not be offended as I mean none by it. Please don't go telling all your other freinds that I'm "all stupid now". I'm sure you won't but if you do, likely I won't remember.