Monday, December 10, 2007

Lonely

I made a big step today. I barged my way into a councellor's office at the Cancer Agency. I first saw a dermatologist that said my weird lumps on my foot and head were not warts or cancer, just moles and next thing you know I was at the Cancer Agency. I didn't actually barge my way in, they let me in.

It seems weird to say this but getting better is very unsettling. When you are as ill as I was, for such a long time when you feel a bit better it seems it can send you into some turmoil. Why aren't I completely better yet? Where is everybody? Why can't I remember people I used to know? I duck my head and pretend I didn't see them because I don't know how to explain at 35 years old that I know I know them but cannot place them.

It might be like winning the lottery. You win and the initial euporia wears off and you realize the money will not buy everything. I want to ski, I want to look normal, I want to run, I want a life.

Truthfully the thing I want most is to meet a man and have a bunch of good years. As many as possible in fact.

I feel like the only person on the planet.

5 comments:

Kelly Kane said...

I know exactly how you feel, bff!! xo

Miss Melanoma said...

Hi Baldylocks,
I've lurked here for a bit but your post today really made me want to drop you a line. You have such a gift for writing and although it seems you are in a very sad place right now, know that everything you are feeling is so normal. I hardly know you at all, but am so comforted by your openness and your honesty, and you make me feel like I am not alone in my struggle, too, although I know we are in different places.

Thank you so much for all you write.

-MM

m.Lee said...

Funny you mention lottery as an analogy on how you feel since most lottery winners end up broke.

I understand how you feel.

Duane said...

Solidarity (not about the man part though). ;)

AngelicQuirk said...

Love you babe..stay strong.
You're my source of strength and inspiration :)