Monday, December 10, 2007


I made a big step today. I barged my way into a councellor's office at the Cancer Agency. I first saw a dermatologist that said my weird lumps on my foot and head were not warts or cancer, just moles and next thing you know I was at the Cancer Agency. I didn't actually barge my way in, they let me in.

It seems weird to say this but getting better is very unsettling. When you are as ill as I was, for such a long time when you feel a bit better it seems it can send you into some turmoil. Why aren't I completely better yet? Where is everybody? Why can't I remember people I used to know? I duck my head and pretend I didn't see them because I don't know how to explain at 35 years old that I know I know them but cannot place them.

It might be like winning the lottery. You win and the initial euporia wears off and you realize the money will not buy everything. I want to ski, I want to look normal, I want to run, I want a life.

Truthfully the thing I want most is to meet a man and have a bunch of good years. As many as possible in fact.

I feel like the only person on the planet.


Kelly Kane said...

I know exactly how you feel, bff!! xo

Miss Melanoma said...

Hi Baldylocks,
I've lurked here for a bit but your post today really made me want to drop you a line. You have such a gift for writing and although it seems you are in a very sad place right now, know that everything you are feeling is so normal. I hardly know you at all, but am so comforted by your openness and your honesty, and you make me feel like I am not alone in my struggle, too, although I know we are in different places.

Thank you so much for all you write.


Marissa L. Swinghammer said...

Funny you mention lottery as an analogy on how you feel since most lottery winners end up broke.

I understand how you feel.

Duane said...

Solidarity (not about the man part though). ;)

Evelin said...

Love you babe..stay strong.
You're my source of strength and inspiration :)