I made a big step today. I barged my way into a councellor's office at the Cancer Agency. I first saw a dermatologist that said my weird lumps on my foot and head were not warts or cancer, just moles and next thing you know I was at the Cancer Agency. I didn't actually barge my way in, they let me in.
It seems weird to say this but getting better is very unsettling. When you are as ill as I was, for such a long time when you feel a bit better it seems it can send you into some turmoil. Why aren't I completely better yet? Where is everybody? Why can't I remember people I used to know? I duck my head and pretend I didn't see them because I don't know how to explain at 35 years old that I know I know them but cannot place them.
It might be like winning the lottery. You win and the initial euporia wears off and you realize the money will not buy everything. I want to ski, I want to look normal, I want to run, I want a life.
Truthfully the thing I want most is to meet a man and have a bunch of good years. As many as possible in fact.
I feel like the only person on the planet.