Sunday, June 14, 2009

Nowhere, yet here

Well, I covered 2,050 Km (or 637 miles) in 6 days. Four days of driving and two full days of rest. I didn't know how I would feel after arriving home after my run for the hills.

For a brief period I was able to shed my life and not acknowledge the fact that I must be back by Tuesday to have my bloodwork taken and have a new ECG so they can put me on a new medication. I was able to pass the highway that leads to all of my doctors appointments and keep going. I was able to pass all of my specialists and not have to go in. I've had such a deep need to escape for so long. Running away worked for a brief period of time but I had to come back.

Truthfully, I could have stayed at the lake and become a lake person. I grew up around the ocean and swimming in rivers. The water is such a healing influence for me.

As a child I could stay under the water for so long that I though I could almost become one of the river creatures. Despite all my trying, I became a land creature instead. Now I walk the beaches.

This trip revealed a lot of things to me, not all of it nice. I feel as lost as ever about my life and what has happened to it.

I am nowhere that I want to be.


Bohemian Chic said...

Hey it's me your long lost absent friend. I am so freaking proud of you for making the traveled farther then you know. I haven't been around because I too am at a loss and trying to figure out where the hell to go from here...but you inspire me to keep going..I have got to get together with you soon and see the new place and check out your new paintings..give my love to the boys..Mwah J

P.S. Love the new look on the blog

BaldyLocks said...

Hey, Ms original travelling Diva! I guess we are both on a similar path right now.

I'd love to see you!

Kairol Rosenthal said...

I commend your honesty. It takes real courage to say that you are nowhere that you want to be, rather than just slapping on a smile and making a cake walk out of a really hard situation. Once again, the power of realistic thinking wins. Hope you hang in there with the good, the bad, the ugly. Good luck at the docs.


Captain Skulduggery Dug said...

I can relate to the "I am nowhere that I want to be". I'm feeling very much that way right now too. I spent this weekend in a field with a large group of juggling, hooping, poi and staff sinning friends having fun and pretending that I don't have M.E. or any pain, but on Sunday night we had to come home and I burst into tear because I didn't want to come back to this house because it has come to symbolises to me the prison that my body has become.

It's crap feeling trapped in a life you don't want, so I've decided now to try and convince myself this is everything I ever dreamed of, in the hope that I can stop feeling so sorry for myself, because being sad and upset about it all the time is annoying me stupid. How Jon hasn't upped and left me yet I don't know. Living with someone as miserable as me must be hard work.

I hope the new drugs help you to feel able to do more of what you want to be doing thus helping you to feel less at odds with life.

Big hugs!

BaldyLocks said...

I sent you an email, AA. I hope it's the right address?

Thanks for those hugs. I need them accept them with utter enthusiasm!

robs said...

Hi, fairly new reader here, and have been enjoying your blog!

I've done quite a few of the trips, where you just try to leave it all behind, at least just for a little while. I've been taking off during my summers, for 2-3 months at a time, getting far enough away that not even basic blood work is an option. And I feel so free, until I come back.

This summer I left what has been my home for the last 8 years. All my friends, my support system. 8 years of wonderful memories. But for the last 4 of those 8 years, this is also the place I have had to come back to for treatments, surgeries, testing. I passed my hospital everyday walking to school. A place that I loved and fit, has been completely tainted by everything that has happened.

I don't have a real plan right now. Staying with my parents till I figure out where it is I want to be. I think that the next place I move is a chance to start over; it'll not be a place that was great and then tainted by the initial cancer experience. I'll still have cancer and doctor appointments, but all the old memories can't be dredged up, and I won't spend my life comparing what it was that I had wanted before, if that makes sense.

I don't, I'm sort of rambling on. I just wanted to say good post and good luck on getting to where you want to be.

BaldyLocks said...

Beautiful comment robs. Thank you so much. It feels so good to hear from someone that knows what this is like. I do feel like moving and never coming back but I suspect my body will follow me wherever I go.

shiney said...

I am new to your Blog.

Waiting to see a "New You"

Good Luck and my heartfelt prayers!


I started reading blogs just 1 year back,first one was Adrian's blog.

shiney said...

Forgot to add, beautiful pictures!


Dawny said...

I truly hope you find your 'place' soon....

sending reiki hugs