Monday, September 27, 2010

Coping with the Unknown

Waiting for this MRI is difficult. When I received my cancer diagnosis, it was immediate but I did have to wait to see what subtype of AML I had. That was torturous waiting to see if I had the bad one or not. It turns out I did but not the worst.

Waiting in so much pain for my hip to be diagnosed is tearing me up inside. I just feel this incredible grief overcoming me. It could be the pain talking I guess.

My son asked me today if I'm going to become like 'House' and unfortunately I think I am.

So I made an appointment with a cancer councilor and am trying to sign up for a post cancer class which deals with issues of getting healthy and what to do next. I also signed up at the YWCA, who were very good to me today. At this point I think I will start going to the pool to take the weight off the hip joint. This body is becoming such a dead-weight for me.

I used to be a runner. I really don't know what to do if my physical abilities are taken from me forever. I wish I could still have those forward thinking dreams where I could see my life laid out for me. If I work hard than x will happen etc.

Right now my life in the future is still a big empty hole. I feel so alone. The worse this pain gets, the more I feel alone and locked up in my body. There is no one to share this piece of myself with.

I'm going to try and paint tomorrow.


danaceau said...

It's horrible that there are so many things that we can lose to cancer, and each one has it's own grieving process. The loss of physical abilities is especially cruel for active people. My impacts haven't been close to yours but I'm still having trouble accepting them.

BaldyLocks said...

When I was told I had cancer I didn't fathom that my life would be stalled the way it has. I thought I would be set back a year, pick myself back up and keep going.

So much for that.

Jens said...

In my mind I'm with you.
Chin up, lady.

Dawny said...

Wish I was on your side of the world to share with you.... instead I'm listening and sending you reiki hugs


The Carcinista said...

Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. I totally agree that the waiting is probably the hardest part. I know I feel better with a diagnosis or an answer and a plan of attack.

Sometimes I feel like cancer is the death of a thousand cuts: it's not the tumors that get me down, it's the side effects, creaky joints, lymphedema, constipation, wrinkled face, unreliable body, deterioration that's going to do me in.

Keep your chin up and keep going - your boys need you. You're so lucky they're old enough to lean on; I'm jealous!

Hugs from Boston,