Friday, September 24, 2010
I'm really sick of myself. I'm tired of being tired and tired of being sick, feeble, in pain and chubby. It may just be the hip talking but then again it's probably my life. I seem to spend a lot of time feeling so damn lost. Everything I used to feel security in, now feels like drifting.
I'm just drifting through this post cancer life. A friend of mine asked if I dwell on being post cancer too much. I would love to say yes, but the truth of the matter is, is it infuses each and every day. Every time I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Every day I wake up and have that let down, knowing that I have another day to drift through. Every day, my hip aches and hurts like I've just had a bone marrow biopsy even though I haven't. Daily fallout and complications of the stem cell transplant with my body trying to consume itself. Constant blood work and doctors appointments and follow ups and medical things that need to be dealt with.
Where the heck am I?
What the hell is happening?
I put on my war paint to go out on the town with the girls even though I'm exhausted. I want to participate even if my body is not into the idea. I put on makeup to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I put on eyeliner and light eyeshadow. I put a dab of the bright shimmer on the inside of my eyes. I scrape on Spanx that my mother lent me and put my feet into some pretty shoes to hide the fear and exhaustion that shows on my face.
I put my hair in a big beehive 'do because I feel like it. I see my life sliding before my eyes and step out there anyway.
I really don't know me now.
If there was every any war or 'battle' it's now. The chemotherapy was no problem, it's the now stuff that's the battle as my body literally fights with itself at a cellular level.
It seems to be a lot harder than I thought to observe and live through your own death.
If I could just curl up and hide from my own body for a while, I would.