Friday, September 24, 2010

War Paint

I'm really sick of myself. I'm tired of being tired and tired of being sick, feeble, in pain and chubby. It may just be the hip talking but then again it's probably my life. I seem to spend a lot of time feeling so damn lost. Everything I used to feel security in, now feels like drifting.

I'm just drifting through this post cancer life. A friend of mine asked if I dwell on being post cancer too much. I would love to say yes, but the truth of the matter is, is it infuses each and every day. Every time I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Every day I wake up and have that let down, knowing that I have another day to drift through. Every day, my hip aches and hurts like I've just had a bone marrow biopsy even though I haven't. Daily fallout and complications of the stem cell transplant with my body trying to consume itself. Constant blood work and doctors appointments and follow ups and medical things that need to be dealt with.

Where the heck am I?

What the hell is happening?

I put on my war paint to go out on the town with the girls even though I'm exhausted. I want to participate even if my body is not into the idea. I put on makeup to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I put on eyeliner and light eyeshadow. I put a dab of the bright shimmer on the inside of my eyes. I scrape on Spanx that my mother lent me and put my feet into some pretty shoes to hide the fear and exhaustion that shows on my face.

I put my hair in a big beehive 'do because I feel like it. I see my life sliding before my eyes and step out there anyway.

I really don't know me now.

If there was every any war or 'battle' it's now. The chemotherapy was no problem, it's the now stuff that's the battle as my body literally fights with itself at a cellular level.

It seems to be a lot harder than I thought to observe and live through your own death.

If I could just curl up and hide from my own body for a while, I would.


Jens said...

Chubby? You have the figure of a woman (not girl like...of course). Your proportions are good. I like what I see here.

P.S.-War Paint -> Kriegsbemahlung

Toboggan said...

I too want to hide from my own body, which is at war with itself. I daydream about birds all the time, because they can fly away. And they may even feel weightless while they're flying, too, as if they have no body at all yet are still alive. I envy such freedom.

Joanna Moore said...

I read your blog and I can really identify with your state of mind. I am two years post chemotherapy but I am never comfortable. And this is never going to go away, ever. You do look fabulous however. You just don't feel fabulous.

I wish I could make it better for you. I admire your artistic talents and I just thought I would let you know.

Joanna Moore

Ann said...

I loved this post. My body is in chronic bone pain now and will be for years. I, too, force myself to live my life. It takes effort and willpower and there are days when I don't try. It's exhausting to hurt and this late night woman now can barely stay up past 8:00. But, as trite and fatalistic as this sounds, "It is what it is" gives me comfort. Nothing to do but put one foot in front of the other.

BaldyLocks said...

You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that people understand. And you're right, I don't feel fabulous at all.

I really liked the images when I googled Kriegsbemahlung.

As always, thanks for the wonderful and sobering comments. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my head and it helps to have outside perspective.

suerte123 said...

I'm 3 months out of chemo and reading your blog is a breath of fresh air. You are saying what I try to say. realizing someone else has the same feelings makes me feel so less alone. Check out my blog if you want, but I couldn't make mine as stylish as yours! You're inspiring other people, even if you don't know it. I'm really happy I found your blog, it's helping me.