Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rescue 911

I seem to be bottoming out emotionally. I'm just having a harder and harder time accepting my limitations.

I'm so frustrated with every facet of how my life is going. I did not see this as my future, my being too tired to work or even get the house cleaning done. I feel like part of me is crumbling.

I was 33 when I was diagnosed. I was just finishing a long battle to complete university with exceptional grades and was ready to kick off a fantastic career. I was ready!

Now I don't know what tomorrow will bring much less next year. I'm exhausted, can't seem to focus and I feel like a complete failure.

I am starting to wonder how I can continue like this. I am incredibly frustrated and unhappy and it seems to be drowning me.

Because I know I'm hitting such a low point means that I can take some action. I've always felt that there is an answer to every problem, you just have to explore and find it.

This is my action plan.

#1 is to make small exercise every day my #1 priority. I will go to my arthritic waterfit class twice a week and do the best I can. I will go for a walk, even if it is only around my block. Exercise is a definite mood lifter.

#2 I am going back to the Cancer Agency to talk to a counsellor.

#3 Reading about Lance Armstrong. He's hot, successful and he beat cancer to carry on an exceptional life.

I know I need help but I also know that I'm the only one here to do it. I'll get there.

*UPDATE: After cruising a cancer forum I remembered that coming off prednisone can cause depression as well as cause general emotional upheavals. DUH! This happened the last time I was taken off this drug and my doctor explained it all to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember all the side effects to all of my drugs. I've made an appointment to see my GP for this afternoon.


hockeychic said...

Sounds like you are taking the right steps. I'm sorry that things are tough right now. You are a very strong woman who has been through a lot.

Sending you support and huge hugs.

BaldyLocks said...


Once I read someone in a forum say, "When life in in a funk, it's time to get funky".

I agree.

Ndinombethe said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low, but seems you're taking steps in the right direction. i agree 100% that exercise is a mood lifter, and even a walk around the block helps. You're brave. you're strong, and there's nothing wrong with feeling as though you've had enough of being strong!

Get funky!


Charlotte said...

Good grief - you've had a hell of a lot to deal with - NO WAY are you a failure, no way! Quite the contrary in fact - keeping it together, being a mother - all the creative stuff you do; your writing, your portraits!

Your ability to express yourself in all this is exceptional and your story is inspiring.

I'm glad you updated the post about how coming off your meds affected the way were feeling last time. This and the fact you are not afraid to ask for help makes for brighter times ahead! Good on you for coming up with a plan and a way forward - positive steps indeed!!
Sending love and energy, Ch xx

Rooster said...

No one can tell you what will work for you only what they have done or seen that has worked, you will figure this out on your own through trial & error. The important thing is you have a plan to over over come this & that you are able to comfortably talk about it & not deny it. You are a survivor... at times you may be sick but you are not dead remember that no matter how tough it gets!!!

Stay positive,stay strong.


Kelly Kane said...

I like your plan of action. It sounds like a good idea. I hope things start to seem brighter for you soon.


Captain Skulduggery Dug said...

Pfffft! Failure my arse! Get your wonder woman outfit on and and take a nap in it.

You are a fabulous, fun filled lady that can achieve anything she wants to achieve. You might just have to do it a bit more slowly than you used to, but you can and will do it.

Stinky meds and their side effects! Don't forget it is just side effects. You'll get through them.

Big hugs and happy vibes winging their way from Wales. P.S. email me your address. I have a little something for you.

Anonymous said...

Is all mankind a failure? Maybe some people think so. I do not.
And if I did right, then you can't be a failure. Because you belong to us.
Many small steps are often better than a few large. I hope you feel better soon.


Michelle said...

Yes on the exercise!!!

You can do it girlie!!!

One Mother with Cancer said...

Hey, I was 33 when I was diagnosed too?? How weird is that??

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time right now, but it sounds like you have a solid plan to get yourself back up agian.

I still have days where I feel as if I can barely function, it get's me weird looks from my husband (as if, Yeah right, how long are you going to ride that cancer train) but if they have never been through it they just don't know...

Do you have any cancer support groups in your area? Just being around people who know where you are coming from could help alot.

BaldyLocks said...

Thanks everybody. I'm very determined to get over, under or though this. :)

trinlayk said...

hang in there! I've noticed, that in myself, depression and self pity seem to indicate when my vitamin D is low!

It's pretty odd to realize after a couple weeks on the Vitamin D I was feeling human again.

though last nights Tai chi class kicked my ASS.