End of the Computer Woes

Finally! An end to the woe of the old computer. My little old laptop would only stay connected to the net for a few moments before it would disconnect and it was so epicly slow that I couldn't do much before the disconnect. The old thing was done. There has been a lot of debate around here about whether the computer was truly that old but sometimes things just are what they are. That laptop has been with me through some very rough times. I purchased it just after I was hospitalized because I had no connections to the outside world.

When I first got it I didn't have the slightest clue how to use it because I was computer illiterate. It was basically there for whoever was with me in hospital so they didn't go mad while I lay there. I was going through too much to use it so kind emails from friends were read to me and I felt a lot less alone.

So here I am starting fresh and new with a computer that works. I have bartered the making of a website for this computer. It's a win-win situation for us both. I've been wanting to do a lot more creating on the web and I was willing but the computer was weak.

I'm wanting to dig right in and sort all the neglected things here but it's mothers day! I have three sons so this is a big day for me. One remembered to say, 'Happy Mothers Day', when he came in 12 minutes past his curfew last night. It was 12:12am and technically Sunday. His penance for being late / Mothers Day was to rub my foot before I went to bed. Ha ha.

I had tea made for me this morning and my oldest is taking me out to lunch. This computer still be waiting for me when I get back and I'm excited about the prospect of the adventures I'll now be able to post.

I am so grateful!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers reading this!

Serious Computer Problems

My computer situation is at critical mass. It will only get the internet now at short random intervals. I have so much to post but am not sure when I can do it. The show went amazingly well and I have lots to write about and show you. Just pray to the internet gods for me that my computer will let me do that tomorrow.

Sweet dreams everyone.

Computers Don't Live Forever

Or so my poor old mac is telling me. We both have great plans of posting all the amazing photos we have but alas, the mind is willing but the body is weak. When I replaced the hard drive after the crash of '08 it only partially came back to life. Then the power cord broke and now the touch pad and the DVD drive. The plastic by the keypad is also cracked and everything is slowing to a halt again.

This poor old computer has put in it's time.

If you ask my macbook, I haven't been the easiest person to live with. It gets dragged with me wherever I go, including traveling to my oncology appointments. It has seen me through some hard times and has been dropped on more than one occasion. The touch pad was stained red when I was taking Cyclosporin. It has sustained scratches and many many sterilization kicks when my world had to be completely germ and microbe free. It has been held to my body for warmth and for comfort when I felt like my life was completely out of control. It has documented the changes of my body and my mind. It has had it's play dates with a friend of mine who has it's twin. It has kept me in contact with the world through weeks and months of hospitalizations and isolation. My little white macbook was the one thing that I could physically hold on to on this messed up roller-coaster ride I've been on. Truthfully I'm not sure how I would have made it without it.

Thanks little macbook for all the time you gave me. I guess I'm going to have to figure out way to carry on without it because I love my blog and all the people who come visit me here. My posts are getting more and more difficult to make especially with photos and I haven't been able to make videos for ages. I'm going to have to figure out a way to replace it.

Heartache

(photo from, Crazy Hair Day, post)

Now that I'm sick and more laid out than usual I've been contemplating the blog and looking back through all the photos I've posted since I started. Next thing you know my chest hurt and I felt like I was having a bit of an anxiety attack. I called a friend to try and ward it off because anxiety attacks feel like life and death for some reason, my chest felt like there was a big stone inside.

Talking is such a great way to put out what you're feeling and to be able to process it. I told her that I was browsing the photos when it came on and she asked me if I was upset to see how sick I'd been. I said, no. I was actually thinking about how creative and fantastic the photos are. That made me pause and wonder what the heck it was about.

Then I realized it. My blog and me, hasn't been the same since my hard drive crashed with all of my photos and videos on it. Not all of my photos post diagnosis but a lot of key photos. The blog has pictures on it that have no originals anymore. This blog is the only memory of them and they are low resolution for the internet. The photos that I didn't post and didn't back up are lost.

If you're thinking, "What a dope", because I didn't back them all up just realize that I had almost zero idea how to use the internet and computers before my illness and blog. I didn't even actually know what a blog was when I started it but that's a whole other post. I self taught in a vacuum at home by myself asking people the occasional question.

So, as I was browsing the photos a huge sense of loss hit me. Not a loss of my life or a sadness because of the cancer but the loss of my creative self while dealing with the rest. It's hard for me to talk about that.

Shortly after my computer crashed I moved from my big beautiful house that had my art studio in it and a wildlife filled backyard to social housing in the city. I haven't been the same since. My blog hasn't been the same since. I don't wander the beaches anymore. I don't talk to other bloggers much anymore. It seems like the last six months or so are an empty blur.

If I can deal with the loss that cancer brings, surely I can deal with the loss of a hard drive?

I have so many new adventures that I haven't posted for some odd reason. I keep thinking, I'll get to them but the whole picture fiasco makes me want to shut it up into a box and not think about it. I feel impotent (ha ha, to the mental image that just gave you).

Anyway, I'm going to start posting those previous adventures. I have a long list of awesomeness that didn't make it here... yet.

Here's to Hoping

I'm hoping to be able to get back here posting again. I haven't had word about my computer and how it's doing yet. I'm afraid to call and ask. My entire life for the past two years is on there.

Anyway, I'll haunt these waters again, hopefully sooner than later.