Computers Don't Live Forever

Or so my poor old mac is telling me. We both have great plans of posting all the amazing photos we have but alas, the mind is willing but the body is weak. When I replaced the hard drive after the crash of '08 it only partially came back to life. Then the power cord broke and now the touch pad and the DVD drive. The plastic by the keypad is also cracked and everything is slowing to a halt again.

This poor old computer has put in it's time.

If you ask my macbook, I haven't been the easiest person to live with. It gets dragged with me wherever I go, including traveling to my oncology appointments. It has seen me through some hard times and has been dropped on more than one occasion. The touch pad was stained red when I was taking Cyclosporin. It has sustained scratches and many many sterilization kicks when my world had to be completely germ and microbe free. It has been held to my body for warmth and for comfort when I felt like my life was completely out of control. It has documented the changes of my body and my mind. It has had it's play dates with a friend of mine who has it's twin. It has kept me in contact with the world through weeks and months of hospitalizations and isolation. My little white macbook was the one thing that I could physically hold on to on this messed up roller-coaster ride I've been on. Truthfully I'm not sure how I would have made it without it.

Thanks little macbook for all the time you gave me. I guess I'm going to have to figure out way to carry on without it because I love my blog and all the people who come visit me here. My posts are getting more and more difficult to make especially with photos and I haven't been able to make videos for ages. I'm going to have to figure out a way to replace it.

Flip Side of The Series of Unfortunate Events

Spent yesterday struggling with not trying to feel like I should throw myself into a volcano to appease the angry and vengeful Gods (I must have really pissed them off). I tried really hard but was not successful. I tried treating myself right by going for a long walk downtown and having a mocha and an artichoke panini. I know that's just spending more money but I was on the edge of thinking, "what the fuck, I might as well give up now". Not a nice place to be. Sitting there in a place with other people soothed my nerves, especially the couple sitting beside me having a very tense and uncomfortable discussion. I thought one might snap and swing a chair in a full out brawl but it just stayed tense. Gave me the perspective that my $300 thrown into the endless money pit wasn't the same as house purchasing money problems.

Please excuse me for eavesdropping. It was tight quarters where I was sitting and they were practically on top of me.

I came home dejected. Later I took my hoop to the local school which is the hub for all the neighborhood activity and practiced some things I can't do in my livingroom. It was weird having people watch me. Then lay in bed, with no car insurance and could't fall asleep until 2:00am.

Today I didn't get up until noon, thinking, "Why bother?" and with this cold nagging at me. Waking up feeling like life is worthless is a shitty way to start the day.

The day before the $300 incident I had gotten up the gumption to repurchase Word for my computer. It had been lost when my computer crashed a few months ago and I have been suffering without it. I realize I could have used another program that's cheaper or free but my life has lost so much of it's familiarity that I couldn't really function without it. Word for mac is what I know. Uber bad timing, though.

So today after dragging around and having my morning, make that afternoon tea, I plugged in my laptop and opened Word in case I felt like jotting something down while I was doing the mountain of dirty dishes in my kitchen.

I typed out my heading for my new writing project, to be announced, and started jotting down all the ideas rolling around in my head. One idea led to another and I suddenly felt like fresh air had been given back to me. Having Word feels like having my arm sewn back on again. I cranked on an old song and danced shamelessly and nerdy-like around the kitchen.

Sometimes giving yourself the permission to revel in self pity leads to wonderful things that lay on the other side. My bad day has been most excellent, to quote Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Even the rain isn't bothering me.