X-ray

So I've heard it from a doctors lips, they need to do x-rays on my hip and then possibly other scans to find out if it's avascular necrosis. Something scared inside of me says it is.

I had to see a walk in clinic doctor who doesn't know the specifics about me like my specialized doctors do. He thinks it's possible to get graft/vs/host in the joints which I have never even heard of. When I go to walk in clinic doctors offices I have to bite my lip from complaining but to be fair they usually only see people for cuts bruises and colds. I am a whole other animal.

I hope I'm just panicking and that it's just arthritis. Funny now I'd be happy with just arthritis when a week ago I cursed it.

I called the Vancouver BMT unit where they are always available to help a bone marrow transplant patient. They hauled out my chart (which is likely the size and weight of a small bus) and the triage nurse is going to get back to me.

Ok, just spoke to the nurse who consulted with the doctors and they have a plan for me to get this checked out. I've calmed down and am heading out for an X-ray. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it's nothing serious.

Pain & Fear

Here I go again,

and again,

and again.

My pain free days are good days and ones I take (very deservedly) for granted. I've begun to journal my pain levels because I have a very high tolerance and a very short memory when it comes to pain.

I find it tends to sift into my consciousness and then out again as if it never happened, although I always know a pain free day when I see it.

Sometimes it's my gut, sometimes it's my muscles, sometimes it's some heinous menopause symptoms and sometimes it's my prednisone induced arthritis.

My joints ache and bother me like I'm twice my age and it can be uncomfortable at the best of times. The cold seems to be the worst for it and my joints stiffen like I've been hit with a freeze ray gun (how cool would that be?) When it's at it's worst I can usually slide into a hot bath and the heat soothes it. At the recommendation of my pharmacist I've been taking fish oil pills but the pain is getting steadily worse.

I've noticed that my right hip gets hit the worst. Sometimes it feels so bad that it seems like a whole other pain. It feels like it is deep within the bone and the pain radiates down my leg.

It's getting worse despite the fact that the weather is getting hotter and hotter. My mother commented on how strange that is because it's been so warm. Last year the summer gave me several months reprieve with little to no arthritis so what's up now?

I've started taking Tylenol and that doesn't even take the edge off. Yesterday I started to become concerned but it's Friday and my doctors office is closed until Monday. Now that the pain is in the forefront of my thoughts I'm getting downright scared. The pain in my hand has become a stabbing one and my fingers are going numb. I am unable to function or get anything done. Holding a pen sends a stabbing sensation. My eyes are so dry that this extra heat makes them feel like they have been burnt.

Unfortunately long term, high dose use of predisone can cause something else that's a lot worse...

Avascular necrosis. It's bone death. It tends to happen in hip joints and leads to bone destruction and eventually needing a hip replacement. The fact that I even have something like this to be scared about just boggles my mind. I'm only thirty fucking seven.

I used to be a runner. I was a healthy eater, I never smoked, did drugs or drank alcohol. I cleaned my home with natural cleaners. I exercised every day and lived a healthful life. What the hell happened?

NO FUCKING WAY.

Anyway, despite all that, here I am. This is my life and this is what there is to deal with. Suck it up as usual, shove the fear away and make sure I get into my doctor office ASAP.

Arthritis

The sunshine is out and the city is heating up including my arthritis. It gets me in the hands and hips the worst and was caused my long term high dose prednisone. After the last 4 days of increasing agony, this evening it was too much.

I asked my son to stick his elbow into my back to try and relieve the pain but apparently that is WAY too close to your mom for a 15 year old. Instead he put a sock onto a broom handle and jabbed my back with that in the hopes that I would stop bugging him. It worked. I stopped asking and realized since there was no masseuse at my immediate disposal, there was only one thing that could be done.

Chocolate.

And not the expensive kind. I need the cheap hit of over sugared and coloured coated candiness.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took some Tylenol and hopped in the car to head to Walmart because that is the land of gargantuan sized, cheap junk food. They have entire isles of nothing but cheap chocolate in varying forms. When my son asked me where I was going I told him that my arthritis was killing me and was begging for M & M's. He curtly told me that my arthritis DIDN'T have a voice and that it CAN'T ask for M & M's.

Of course I laughed quietly to myself and forgave him for his obvious lack of life experience.