HAPPY NEW YEAR! ! ! !

I'm happily sliding into the new year cosy in my bed. This bone crushing fatigue hasn't lifted yet but no worries, I'm sure I'll need all the rest I can get to bust into the new decade with FLARE! I have a lot to do this year and I'm hella behind. Bring it on!

Let's bring it in with a song that I've been looking for since I was in grade 8. SUCCESS already and it's not even tomorrow yet!



FUCK CANCER!

Shift

I feel a huge shift happening with my life right now. It feels as if the very cellular make up of my body is reconstructing to something completely different (which we all know it actually is, RIP to my DNA thanks to the BMT). My environment has changed, the things I need have changed and the very structure of the people in my life has shifted. The things I thought I could count on are gone. The poisonous people are gone and now that they are, I can actually see how much better off I am. I can also see very clearly the scars that are left from being in relationships that hurt and damage.

I have SWAT Teams swooping down on my building, I've barely moved for 2 months, I'm on the end of the Earth. I'm fully encompassed in a life that is nothing short of weird. I even have cable. I feel alien here or maybe more specifically like Alice in Wonderland, the one difference is that I know I'm not going to wake up out of this... this is my life.

I'm so lonely which is something else I'm not used to. Historically I've always been to busy and driven to be lonely. I'd like to pretend that I at least have a touch of control but there isn't much use in pretending. I guess I'll just have to surrender (my Oprah word for the day) to it and see where this is all going.

Ever watch Goonies? The part where they are sliding down tunnels to a strange destination is where I am now, maybe there are pirates at the end?

There are big changes happening. I guess it's fitting that it's happening right at the opening of 2010, I can just pretend that it's part of my New Year's resolutions and that it's all normal.

someone to Me: "So what are your New Year resolutions?"

Me: "To change my entire life"

someone to Me: "cool"

Good or bad, I'll make it work.

This is not my life

Serious head shake. Last night I was kept up until the wee hours of the morning watching armored men with rifles hide beneath my bedroom window. They had my entire house surrounded with floodlights blaring at the unit with the door facing mine. It was like watching a movie but with the convenience of not having to turn on my TV.

They opened the neighbors door and then stayed back behind my place, using a bull horn to call the number of the unit occupants to come out with their hands up. They said to send out the girl first. Then later about 8 armed men surrounded the door with their rifles pointed inside and sent in a police dog. They meant business.

As I hid in my house and watched this go down, all I could think was, "What the fuck did my neighbors do?!!!"

The entire block was cordoned off and other than calling them out of the house it was eerily silent. On the road side, there was a huge armoured vehicle that looked like it could ram it's way through a house and painted flat black with no markings. Later they sent in a search dog (different from the attack dog). I mostly stayed on the top floor of my house. I did peak out my kitchen window where there were 2 guys with rifles a couple of feet from me, then realised what a BAD idea that was.

What a mess. Social housing has been a real eye opener for me. This area is so beautiful and an object of envy to anyone who I mention the area to. I guess it's so central, though.... I get really ticked off that there are so many decent families genuinely in need of a little help and we have to live with assholes that are doing something illegal. How hard is it to weed them out? I'm guessing they'll be evicted now at least.

Anyway the police here are not to be messed with and I'm so exhausted today, I can't move. What a weird reason to have a bad day for.

Light and Hope

I feel a sense of being refreshed today. The sun is shining and I'm feeling a little better. Better yet, I know I made it through the Christmas season and all of my commitments have been successfully accomplished. BIG sigh of relief.


I even had a bit of extra energy which was exciting. I felt inspired and vacuumed the stairs (with my new vacuum), swept outside our front door and the inner entry way. This may not sound like much but after being sick for 2 months it feels freeing. I'm SO behind, the dishes are piled up and the house is a general mess but I feel like I have a hope of getting to it now. I even went for a walk with the sunshine pouring all over me.

My hope is to start catching up on my emails and responding to blog comments. I'm not ignoring you, I swear!


Another 2 months of my life has disappeared without any trace but as long as I get to continue to experience the rest of it, all is good.

Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish was granted! I had my blood work done the day before my appointments and when my oncologist checked it out, it was GOOD!

All I wanted was my health to take a good turn and it did. If that's not a Christmas miracle, I don't know what is.

Lots of Love to everyone, I wish good bloodwork for all :)

Happy Appointments to All

Just a quick note to say I'm away at my oncology appointments and won't be able to get back to people probably until after Christmas.

Wish me happy appointments :)

Fire Alice Remix

I'm very inspired by hooping videos but so far this one is my favourite. The melding of all the Alice imagery with the fire hooping is stunning and intriguing, especially with the music that goes with it. Wonderful! This is just wonderful!



I recommend hitting the full screen option.

Escape to Banksy

Just posting a wee bit of escapism. Banksy is one of my favourite artists of all time. His work has a lot to do with the spaces they are painted in and that might not be able to be seen well in this video because the clips are so short. I'd recommend his book that is full of his images... I have it and I love it. The great thing about this Youtube video is that there are new things that I haven't seen yet. You should also check out his site, here's the link.



I wish I was Banksy or at least had as much impact and genius as he does in one finger. I feel very inspired watching this and it makes me feel like there is hope in hanging on even when that little flickering thought of, 'why?', crosses my mind. The message scrawled on the wall at 1:41 is particularly moving for me. I would love to see the painting of the little girl with the red balloon floating away with my own eyes. That would be amazing upon amazing.

One foot in front of the other, step by step, that's how anything has ever been accomplished. I'm sure this journey will mean something.

I'm going to sleep happily tonight because tomorrow is another day and that's not always a bad thing.

Trouble

Right now I'm wavering between writing an angry rant and having a pity party. My body is a mess. I went to my GP because I'm not even sure how I'll be able to get through and make it to my other appointments. I'm continuing on doing all the things that a parent needs to do like getting groceries, driving the boys to their sports but I can feel the negative impact of doing these things. I feel like I need to curl up for a week and let my body heal.

I have a thousand things going through my mind right now but they aren't settling into any particular thought or emotion. I'm just tired. My body is in trouble on so many levels.

Feeling Bummed

Damn. I don't think I'm getting better. I cough and cough all day and night. I'm bored and lonely because my sons are out snowboarding and doing other fun things... and here I am again, just sitting, waiting to get better. This gets hard after a while. I've been mostly out of commission since Nov. 1st-ish.

I had my hair done yesterday as a Christmas gift, so I'm pretty excited about that and have a party to go to this evening but I don't feel up to it. Damn, damn, damn.

I'm lonely today which freaks me out because apparently a study was done that shows loneliness IS CONTAGIOUS! Also, bitterness is an actual disorder now or about to be one.

I'm running out of stuff to make me feel better, so thanks for all the kind comments from everyone. I read them and they make me smile.

My Christmas Wish

The flu has a really tight grip on me and won't let go. It seems to be an extension of the H1N1 coming back to haunt me in so many ways. I received a cal from my oncologist today who talked to me on the phone about what is happening regarding the graft vs host symptoms. She thinks it's my immune system gone into haywire overdrive triggered by the H1N1 and the vaccine. It was just too much on my immune system to deal with so it attacked me where it was attacking me before.

My blood work is slightly off and my liver is slightly unhappy. I will still see my doctors on the appointments just before Christmas. She thinks she may have to put me back on the prednisone for a period of time. It's a possibility anyway.

I don't think I can cope with that, so I just plan to have it all fading away by then. My wish is for stable health for Christmas.

Fighting the Good Fight

I was watching YouTube and bumped into a site where you can make movies. I had a good laugh playing with it and typing out the first thing that came to mind.

Prepare yourself for the epic battle of,

Chemo Girl VS Cancer Man! (insert echo-y voice here)

Blah

I've been in the fetal position for a couple of days with the....

flu!!!

What the hell? Whatever... I'll make tomorrow better. I think the H1N1 leaves you susceptible to other illnesses for a bit. That's what my doctor explained anyway and I believe her now that my son with asthma and I keep getting sick despite the seasonal flu shot and the H1N1 shot. It could be worse, I'm glad we had those shots. My youngest and oldest, who have no underlying health conditions are fine.

I have my big appointments with my oncologist & gyno-oncologist a couple of days before Christmas. That sounds like a whole bundle of holiday fun. My hope is that the GVHD will have calmed down by then and that I won't get trampled by holiday shoppers.

It's the small things that create Christmas joy, like not being consumed by your own immune system.

Pink Glove Dance

This is the first pink breast cancer thing that hasn't grated on me because of the underlying marketing tactics. This is pink that isn't selling, just having fun!

Holding Pattern

I'm back to the ol' holding pattern, fending off pain and waiting for my doctors to give me appointments. I have to admit, I'm not pushing much and just letting things happen in a relaxed fashion. I just feel a little lost. I had just graduated to not quite being followed by my doctors like I could self combust at any moment. I just really want to be left alone.

Avoiding the doctors though, would mean surgery and other nasty things in the future. I try my best to be a good little patient but really I want to run away and never go back. That's not too helpful to my body so I have to suck it up.

I made a list the night before last, of all the symptoms that have come back. Dry eyes, vaginal pain, peeling lips, all over body pain, arthritic pain and a spastic bowel. I'm wondering now if the body pain is actually a symptom of the graft vs host? It came back suddenly and at the same time as everything else.

So, just waiting....