Down Time

Ugh. There is so much down time in my life. I begin doing something extra and it goes well for a few weeks and then BAM, I'm down for the count. I can't convey how frustrating this is for me and I'm sure for others reading this.

When I am physically unable to function I get very upset, frustrated, and down. Not down in a sense that I'm depressed, just down with the circumstances I'm in. I need to give in to my body's needs and let it run it's course. I've learned through never ending trial and error that there is no other way to deal with it.

After 4 years you start to know your limitations. I have learned and accepted a level of patience I never thought would even enter my life.

It actually feels a lot like being whipped. My body is letting me know who is in charge.

This time it has started out with the usual week of fatigue and is being topped off with the flu. I need to roll over and let the fatigue and illness overtake me until it's done, and then I will get up and keep moving.

If there was a patience medal, I think I would have it by now.

Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating.

Foiled Again!

I haven't been feeling great since my trip and am not recovering. My sleeping problems have escalated and I'm getting to the point where I'm really slow and a bit loopy at moments. I'm barely able to get the basics done, like buy food, clean the house ..... not burn down the house...

So I put up my portable hammock inside my living room in front of the TV. I know it's bad when I'm watching TV because I hate the television. It melts minds.

So I lay down for Oprah and then America's Got Talent went by as well as a Tyra sex episode, Hell's Kitchen, several episodes of Friends, City TV talking about pastels in home decorating, the news, Fairly Oddparents and a film about the majestic Canadian Rockies. I was on an unbroken 5 hour hammock streak when the phone rang. Darling boy # 2 needed to be picked up because he was vomiting at his girlfriends house. He had called earlier thinking he possibly had food poisoning and luckily for me felt better by the time I picked him up. I cracked him open a gingerlale.

So 10 minutes shy of clean 5 hour hammockathon thwarted. It would have been a personal best for me.

Fatigue

I'm so exhausted that I could cry. I knew there would be a physical toll to pay for going to New York and I'm paying it. I just wish it wasn't this way. When it gets like this I'm not able to accomplish anything and I get extremely frustrated.

All I want is a normal life where I get to do normal things that any other 37 year old would get to do. All I can do is sit here listening to the rain in my OMG conference T shirt and wondering if I will ever sleep again.




Fuck cancer, fuck mind bending exhaustion, fuck post cancer life and fuck early chemotherapy induced menopause. Hopefully that covers it all....

Oh, and fuck going from feeling like a 24 year old to feeling like an 80 year old in 4 years flat.