Doctor Doctor

My GP gave me some steroid nasal spray and the grip this sickness has on me seems to finally be slipping. I am SO damn glad.

Save Me Doctor

I'm going back to the doctor again today. I am just not getting better so I hope there is something she can do. I'd really like to get painting but every little thing is wiping me out and it looks like someone has punched me in both eyes.

Hoping for a Fresh Start

I'm still sick. If there's anything like a brutal reality check that I'm not who I was, it's being sick for over three weeks. I can't help but feeling I'm a failure which is a feeling that doesn't make a lot of cognitive sense. How is being ill a failure?

My plans fall apart in mid flight, left, right and centre. I try my best to not let it get me down but it's struggle.

I try to get my thoughts to gel to a point where I can take action to get them done, or at least point myself in that direction. It's such a far cry from where I used to be. I used to get lists of things done effectively every day and get top marks in University etc. I know that is still a huge piece of me even though I am significantly slower now. I need to have my plate less full but my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I still want to tackle things with wild abandon and sometimes I get it done but then I pay the price physically.

I often lament how it feels as if my life before cancer has been severed from me and all I have left is this post cancer life. All the momentum I have built was thrown to the wind.

Or has it?

I received a call a few days ago from a gallery I used to supply with paintings. I have the distinction there as having sold the most amount of paintings of any artist they've ever had. Not bad.

They want me back which feels fantastic. I've agreed and will be working for the next few months getting work ready for them. I also have secured another location completely separate of that to feature my work in March. The work I've been creating for that show is very personal and about my intimate reality of having cancer at 32. I have 2 completely different types of work to get done for two different locations and I need to start ASAP.

I know this is way too much and my body may self combust like it's doing right now but I need this. I can't be cancer girl forever. I need to be able to morph into some other incarnation that is more inclusive of all that I am. I need a dash of hope in this suffering. Actually, I need to leave this suffering behind me.

And what I mean by suffering is collecting up the pieces of me and put them back together. I could make a list of all that is wrong in my life directly because of this horrific infliction but it would be a looooooong list and I'd much rather concentrate on what is right.

The Flu that Never Ends and the Magic Elixir

So, I'm still under the influence of this flu. I'm seeing a minor improvement as the days go by and hope to be rid of this damn bug by Christmas. Or sooner.

After about a week of this misery I decided a mini cherry cheesecake might do me a world of good. When I actually tried it though, the miraculous effects I had hoped for didn't emerge... and then I just felt guilty. After several more days passed I bought myself a coffee which is fairly unusual for me.

A few days after that I was out doing my usual mom chores (because those never end, sick or not) and I stumbled upon a Starbucks.

Despite hating to give corporate Starbucks my money when I have local shops I could go to, I was seduced by it's warm atmosphere. The inside was a generically cozy, and there was the large board of delights to choose from. After standing in a small line I purchased a small peppermint mocha.

Somehow that warm, consistant across continents, pepperminty coffee made the whole world feel okay for the time it took to drink it. Several days later when I had to go out again, I tried another one not expecting the same magical effects. Well, again I was soothed into feeling a little better when I had it's warm paper cup in my hands. When I slurped the whipping cream with the little shaker bits of minty chocolate I felt transformed. The hot mocha made my throat feel a lot less scratchy and irritated.

It may not have been the most PC or ethical purchases that I've ever made but, it was a little piece of heaven.

Sigh. Now if I could just figure out how to get this headache to go away.

Down Time

Ugh. There is so much down time in my life. I begin doing something extra and it goes well for a few weeks and then BAM, I'm down for the count. I can't convey how frustrating this is for me and I'm sure for others reading this.

When I am physically unable to function I get very upset, frustrated, and down. Not down in a sense that I'm depressed, just down with the circumstances I'm in. I need to give in to my body's needs and let it run it's course. I've learned through never ending trial and error that there is no other way to deal with it.

After 4 years you start to know your limitations. I have learned and accepted a level of patience I never thought would even enter my life.

It actually feels a lot like being whipped. My body is letting me know who is in charge.

This time it has started out with the usual week of fatigue and is being topped off with the flu. I need to roll over and let the fatigue and illness overtake me until it's done, and then I will get up and keep moving.

If there was a patience medal, I think I would have it by now.

Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating.

Sicko

I'm sick.... again.

This time it's been six days but what seems to happen, is that my multiple ailments start to overlap making things really hard. Most days I have some sort of physical problem that I'm managing and usually I can have an alright day. Sometimes another thing will creep in.

I was sick for three full months with the H1N1 flu and it was awful. I'm still thankful that I was able to manage through Christmas because it's really hard to explain to people what I'm dealing with and also hard to get all of my obligations taken care of.

Well, whatever I have right now was given to me by my son and of course they sail through it and keep functioning but I screech to a sudden halt.

My stomach has been giving me problems, my skin has eczema that's flaring so my face is itchy, blotchy and red, my throat is killing me, peeling lips, my tongue is swelling and my eyes are gumming up horribly. So badly, in fact that my eyes are completely red and are crusted over when I wake up in the morning. I'm a mess. I'm getting a little worried this cold/flu is manifesting itself to be something sinister.

I was just at the Dr. last week, before this cold thingy took hold. Right now it's graft vs host, pollen from our early spring and the bacteria or virus rampaging around my body. Good grief. It's in miserable little moments like this that I feel a wee bit sorry for myself.

I had to go out today to buy fake tears and watch my sons rugby game. Luckily I have the largest pair of sunglasses known to man. I had several people say, 'cool shades' which made me feel a little bit less of a red eyed freak. Of course my youngest son said, 'those sunglasses look TOO big!'

Ahhh, the bigger the better, little one. The bigger the better.

Cheers

I'm pretty proud of myself right now. I've been really sick since about 11pm and have felt like doing the upchuck. I think I may have a small fever as well which would just be playing into my GP's prophecy. I still think everything is fine because I get sick to my stomach and other areas on a fairly consistent basis. It feels gross but I believe it's harmless and it's not a flu. Just special random crap I have to go through.... because I'm that damn special.

So, it's 3:20am and I felt better enough to drag myself to the 7/11, get hit on in the line up and buy a ginger-ale. I'm pretty resourceful and usually have some in my cupboard but unfortunately I recreationally drank it before Christmas. That'll teach me.

And all is well now, all is well. I may even get out a straw.

Scared

I'm not out of the woods yet in regards to my recent GVHD relapse. I swear the doctor appointments never go away. I get my blood taken every two weeks without fail. The photo above is a couple of weeks ago when they couldn't get enough blood from the first hand so they did the other. Every time I go it seems there is someone new, who I haven't had before and I say the same lame joke every time. I ask them to take it out of my hands because my arms are scarring and I don't want to look like a heroin addict, ha ha. Usually that comment is received by the sound of crickets. I think someone laughed once so I don't know why I say it every time.

They always tell me getting it out of my hand hurts a lot and am I sure I want them to do it there? I feel like saying, "HELLO! I had 5 bone marrow biopsies, I laugh at your wimpy little needle!"

Anyway, I'm beating around the bush, the doctors office just called again. My blood is still not right and now my white count is elevated which sends off alarm bells. There are no blasts, which are the cells that mean cancer is back. But still, extra white cells without an illness that I'm fighting off can be bad news. They asked if I am sick at all which could account for the high white cell count but I'm not.

They want me to see my oncologist but all the appointments have been canceled because of THE OLYMPICS. Yes, the Olympics seem to somehow be a valid reason for canceling all doctors appointments in Vancouver. I've had another appointment canceled as well.

So now instead of going for a walk in the rare, beautiful sunshine, I'm sitting here waiting for my GP's office to call back. This sucks.

And the Olympics suck too.

Update: I feel fine but my GP is convinced I'm sick or infected in some way. I'm supposed to get to my oncologist if I have a fever, swelling, puss or any sickness of any sort. They also said that I may just not be well yet from the H1N1 even though it's been almost 3 months. They told me to take it easy.

Wanderings

The adventures are on hold because second son has been very ill post H1N1. He had a few good days and then hasn't been able to get out of bed for about 5 days since. We went to the doctor and had a throat swab as well as blood taken (it wasn't me for once!) We are still waiting to hear the results and he is finally perking up a little.

Just before I came down with the H1N1, I went and walked around down town not sure if I'd get to see it again if the H1N1 killed me.


There is a little alley in Chinatown with galleries and shops in it. It always feels like I'm off in another far away place when I peruse the brick corridor. This alley was in the movie Bird on a Wire and also a movie with Dr McDreamy before Grey's anatomy.

I can see why. Who wouldn't be in love with a place like this?


Here is second son getting his H1N1 flu shot that was too late to save his poor little ass.


They doubled up on us and gave 2 shots at once, the regular seasonal flu shot and the other.


It was weirdly nice having someone to get shots with for once. Not sure he thought so, though.

:(

I hereby decree, that anyone who has had cancer or any other sucky asshole health malady (yes, health conditions will now all be defined and referred to as assholes) shall no longer to be subject to any airborne or surface spread pathogens.

Unbelievable. I've done my time. I've suffered many ailments. Why don't we just add insult to injury with this half assed attempt to kill me (aka, a cold).