Spent yesterday struggling with not trying to feel like I should throw myself into a volcano to appease the angry and vengeful Gods (I must have really pissed them off). I tried really hard but was not successful. I tried treating myself right by going for a long walk downtown and having a mocha and an artichoke panini. I know that's just spending more money but I was on the edge of thinking, "what the fuck, I might as well give up now". Not a nice place to be. Sitting there in a place with other people soothed my nerves, especially the couple sitting beside me having a very tense and uncomfortable discussion. I thought one might snap and swing a chair in a full out brawl but it just stayed tense. Gave me the perspective that my $300 thrown into the endless money pit wasn't the same as house purchasing money problems.
Please excuse me for eavesdropping. It was tight quarters where I was sitting and they were practically on top of me.
I came home dejected. Later I took my hoop to the local school which is the hub for all the neighborhood activity and practiced some things I can't do in my livingroom. It was weird having people watch me. Then lay in bed, with no car insurance and could't fall asleep until 2:00am.
Today I didn't get up until noon, thinking, "Why bother?" and with this cold nagging at me. Waking up feeling like life is worthless is a shitty way to start the day.
The day before the $300 incident I had gotten up the gumption to repurchase Word for my computer. It had been lost when my computer crashed a few months ago and I have been suffering without it. I realize I could have used another program that's cheaper or free but my life has lost so much of it's familiarity that I couldn't really function without it. Word for mac is what I know. Uber bad timing, though.
So today after dragging around and having my morning, make that afternoon tea, I plugged in my laptop and opened Word in case I felt like jotting something down while I was doing the mountain of dirty dishes in my kitchen.
I typed out my heading for my new writing project, to be announced, and started jotting down all the ideas rolling around in my head. One idea led to another and I suddenly felt like fresh air had been given back to me. Having Word feels like having my arm sewn back on again. I cranked on an old song and danced shamelessly and nerdy-like around the kitchen.
Sometimes giving yourself the permission to revel in self pity leads to wonderful things that lay on the other side. My bad day has been most excellent, to quote Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Even the rain isn't bothering me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Series of Unfortunate Events
Damn.
Son who is almost 16 was asked to go out to a girls birthday party which consisted of driving around in a limo. Son was very excited because he's never been in a limo, asked to stay out late for the first time.
He is also finally making new friends at his new school and is a very good son so I reluctantly say yes, wanting to allow son a new experience that I can't afford to give him. I take down all relevant phone #s, the address etc. send him out with $15 which is a huge and rare treat.
Had an overly exhausted day due to having a cold but waited patiently for him to call so I could pick him up. Son calls slightly later than he was supposed to at 2am, what was I thinking?
I put youngest son in car and drive out to pick up middle son. He says he'll meet me at the pool so I don't have to drive around finding the house while I'm insanely tired. It's near a McDonalds and my throat is scratchy so I tell youngest son I will get him fries so I can get a hot chocolate.
As I'm driving well within speed limits bright flashing lights go off behind me. I pull over thinking this is my first random check ever. Police officer comes out and tells me my insurance has expired a couple of days ago.
Jaw hits floor of car.
Police officer realizes I have never had a driving violation or accident before and gives me a lesser type of fine and calls a tow truck. Gives me the ticket as I'm perspiring wondering how I will get to son because I have forgotten the address and #s at home. Police officer rolls his eyes like I'm a bad parent for allowing my 15 year old to wander the streets partying his ass off.
I don't own cell phone, neither does son because we can't even afford cable. Other than rolling his eyes officer is very kind, so is tow truck driver who flags down a cab. Police officer has instructed me that tow truck driver can't take us because he only has two extra seats and I also have youngest son with me.
Tow truck driver says he will meet us at our house. Cab driver is also very kind and says I'm lucky that it wasn't a drinking driving violation. I exclaim that would never happen because I would never drink and drive, duh, in my squeaky sore throat and my slightly slurring speech, due to being horrifically over tired, startled and beyond my functioning level. It's now 3am and cab driver rolls eyes about my son roaming the streets at all hours. Notice that cab driver had just come from McDonald's and is eating fries.
With cab we start looking for son. We can't see him so cab driver asks if he has a cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have phone number of who son is with. I have forgotten it at home. I get out of cab and start hollering in the dark until son morphs out of the shadows. I have trained him well about how to stay out of harms way. He asks why the heck I'm in a cab.
Cab drops us off at home.
4am
$15 for sons night out
$10 of major chocolate splurge to appease younger son who felt left out
$89 ticket but luckily not $600 that officer threatened
$30 cab ride with no tip added
$106 tow fee
$50 to get my new address on my license tomorrow
Perfect 20 year driving record shot to hell.
= $300, most expensive night of my life and I didn't even get to do anything other than stand in cold.
+ Overcome by slightly irrational fear of marrying a cab driver or tow truck driver instead of a university professor because they are very kind and cute with handsome bald heads and I don't get out enough and they are damn fine looking.
Thank God for credit cards. Fuck chemo brain to hell.
Son who is almost 16 was asked to go out to a girls birthday party which consisted of driving around in a limo. Son was very excited because he's never been in a limo, asked to stay out late for the first time.
He is also finally making new friends at his new school and is a very good son so I reluctantly say yes, wanting to allow son a new experience that I can't afford to give him. I take down all relevant phone #s, the address etc. send him out with $15 which is a huge and rare treat.
Had an overly exhausted day due to having a cold but waited patiently for him to call so I could pick him up. Son calls slightly later than he was supposed to at 2am, what was I thinking?
I put youngest son in car and drive out to pick up middle son. He says he'll meet me at the pool so I don't have to drive around finding the house while I'm insanely tired. It's near a McDonalds and my throat is scratchy so I tell youngest son I will get him fries so I can get a hot chocolate.
As I'm driving well within speed limits bright flashing lights go off behind me. I pull over thinking this is my first random check ever. Police officer comes out and tells me my insurance has expired a couple of days ago.
Jaw hits floor of car.
Police officer realizes I have never had a driving violation or accident before and gives me a lesser type of fine and calls a tow truck. Gives me the ticket as I'm perspiring wondering how I will get to son because I have forgotten the address and #s at home. Police officer rolls his eyes like I'm a bad parent for allowing my 15 year old to wander the streets partying his ass off.
I don't own cell phone, neither does son because we can't even afford cable. Other than rolling his eyes officer is very kind, so is tow truck driver who flags down a cab. Police officer has instructed me that tow truck driver can't take us because he only has two extra seats and I also have youngest son with me.
Tow truck driver says he will meet us at our house. Cab driver is also very kind and says I'm lucky that it wasn't a drinking driving violation. I exclaim that would never happen because I would never drink and drive, duh, in my squeaky sore throat and my slightly slurring speech, due to being horrifically over tired, startled and beyond my functioning level. It's now 3am and cab driver rolls eyes about my son roaming the streets at all hours. Notice that cab driver had just come from McDonald's and is eating fries.
With cab we start looking for son. We can't see him so cab driver asks if he has a cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have cell phone. I say no. Then he asks if I have phone number of who son is with. I have forgotten it at home. I get out of cab and start hollering in the dark until son morphs out of the shadows. I have trained him well about how to stay out of harms way. He asks why the heck I'm in a cab.
Cab drops us off at home.
4am
$15 for sons night out
$10 of major chocolate splurge to appease younger son who felt left out
$89 ticket but luckily not $600 that officer threatened
$30 cab ride with no tip added
$106 tow fee
$50 to get my new address on my license tomorrow
Perfect 20 year driving record shot to hell.
= $300, most expensive night of my life and I didn't even get to do anything other than stand in cold.
+ Overcome by slightly irrational fear of marrying a cab driver or tow truck driver instead of a university professor because they are very kind and cute with handsome bald heads and I don't get out enough and they are damn fine looking.
Thank God for credit cards. Fuck chemo brain to hell.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
September is a Bust
Many apologies for the lackluster posting the last month and a half. Ever since I did the sleep medication shift in August I've been having a hard time keeping up. I have some great adventures with photos to post about and I will get to them soon. September is always a bust for me because September is all about getting the boys back to school, starting up all their sports and getting our routines back in order. It doesn't seem like it should take up all of September but it always does.
Anyway, I have a few fantastic announcements to make here! Exciting stuff! I also have photos from the two movies that were filmed in my neighborhood square, that's right, TWO movies! As well as other fabulously interesting stuff. Don't miss it!
I expect to be blogging again with my usual gusto by October 1st.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Late Night Comic Relief
The real post is down below. I threw this on because there's not much better in life than laughing at a lousy situation. Laughing takes the badness out of almost anything. Trust me on this.
A Wee Bit O' Late Night Rant
Burning the midnight oil, as usual. One, twenty, am. No biggy really. Not sleeping just means that I have pain, can't cope, remember, read or be employable. Who needs all that crap anyway? It's just glitter gravy on top of this uber fantasmic thing we call life.
Can you detect my late night sarcasm? It's all true to a point but, damned, if only I could get BACK TO WORK. I am FREAK'N FED UP! If the doctors put the kind of effort into helping me sleep as they did keeping me alive then I'D HAVE A FUCKING JOB. Why do they take my symptoms so lightly? I feel like when I explain it to them, they do a mental check and think, "Hmmm. She had AML. She's shit, damned fucking lucky to be alive."
If someone who didn't have cancer had severe insomnia to the point they couldn't work, they would figure out what's up, ASAP. But I guess since I had cancer then I should just be skipping along with a stupid grin on my face and chant how lucky I am to be alive.
"I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky..." Lucky, my ass! Cancer don't equal lucky.
Cancer never equals lucky.
I may just have a regressive toddler-esque fit and throw things... or maybe tomorrow will be better?
Can you detect my late night sarcasm? It's all true to a point but, damned, if only I could get BACK TO WORK. I am FREAK'N FED UP! If the doctors put the kind of effort into helping me sleep as they did keeping me alive then I'D HAVE A FUCKING JOB. Why do they take my symptoms so lightly? I feel like when I explain it to them, they do a mental check and think, "Hmmm. She had AML. She's shit, damned fucking lucky to be alive."
If someone who didn't have cancer had severe insomnia to the point they couldn't work, they would figure out what's up, ASAP. But I guess since I had cancer then I should just be skipping along with a stupid grin on my face and chant how lucky I am to be alive.
"I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky..." Lucky, my ass! Cancer don't equal lucky.
Cancer never equals lucky.
I may just have a regressive toddler-esque fit and throw things... or maybe tomorrow will be better?
Friday, September 11, 2009
HOLY EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES BATMAN!
So, I'm still pretty, meh, today and spent the morning answering emails and pondering a few things. Last night on the phone I was speaking to a friend and I said, "Something's gotta give". I can't keep going like this. Paying around $200 a month for non covered medications is digging a deep hole of debt coming up towards $7,000 on credit cards at %19 interest. Scary.
My sons need things for school and bus money to be able to get to school. I almost cried buying my oldest 2 pairs of shoes a few days ago. One was a pair of runners for gym and the other I made sure was completely water proof because it rains so much here. When you have one pair of shoes to walk in every day they better be able to withstand any kind of weather.
Not being able to works sucks hardcore and it hurts to not be able to give my sons things they need. The mounting debt has been making things harder and harder. I'm resilient but, come on! I just wistfully wait for the day that I can tackle that debt and move on. It will happen..it will.
So I decided to take my book out into the sunshine to read. I usually crack out one of my vintage dresses (thrift stores are the best) and look all dolled up because I'm trying to make up for lost time. Make up for being ugly for three years, that is.
But for some reason today I slipped into an old pair of jeans that I used to paint in. I rolled up the legs so they are calf length, pulled on a summery black top and left my chemo curls flowing around my shoulders. I popped on my Jackie-O style sunglasses and walked out the door.
As I walked I passed through the square that has the old but still running live theatre. I sat on a stone bench in front of the open workshop doors and opened my mail. My hydro bill is double because I missed paying it last month somehow (stupid chemo brain). I sat a little confuzzled and noticed a man chatting to a woman outside of the shop.
I finally had someone I could ask about where to buy gaffer tape! Gaffer tape is used in music and theater shows but I'm looking for it to make a hoop. He asked me if I was looking for real gaff tape or the shiny kind, which I'm assuming he meant electrical tape. I said, "no, the real stuff", then in passing I mentioned I used to be a scenic painter in a prominent theatre but live in this neighborhood now.
I don't remember the exact words but he said they are often in need of casual set crew. I said, "Oh, who would I speak to about that?" He answered that he is the guy because he's the production manager. Then I introduced myself and he asked me to drop off my resume. I thanked him and went on my way, after telling me where I could get the tape I need. DOUBLE SCORE!
So, I went to university to move away from scenic painting but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Scenic painting without a doubt I can do, although I don't know how my body will react to that. I know my Dr. said no but this is casual work...
As I walked away I stared at my stiff hands and gave them a stretch. Will they work? If I can't do this, I can't do anything...
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.... fingers crossed X a million.
My sons need things for school and bus money to be able to get to school. I almost cried buying my oldest 2 pairs of shoes a few days ago. One was a pair of runners for gym and the other I made sure was completely water proof because it rains so much here. When you have one pair of shoes to walk in every day they better be able to withstand any kind of weather.
Not being able to works sucks hardcore and it hurts to not be able to give my sons things they need. The mounting debt has been making things harder and harder. I'm resilient but, come on! I just wistfully wait for the day that I can tackle that debt and move on. It will happen..it will.
So I decided to take my book out into the sunshine to read. I usually crack out one of my vintage dresses (thrift stores are the best) and look all dolled up because I'm trying to make up for lost time. Make up for being ugly for three years, that is.
But for some reason today I slipped into an old pair of jeans that I used to paint in. I rolled up the legs so they are calf length, pulled on a summery black top and left my chemo curls flowing around my shoulders. I popped on my Jackie-O style sunglasses and walked out the door.
As I walked I passed through the square that has the old but still running live theatre. I sat on a stone bench in front of the open workshop doors and opened my mail. My hydro bill is double because I missed paying it last month somehow (stupid chemo brain). I sat a little confuzzled and noticed a man chatting to a woman outside of the shop.
I finally had someone I could ask about where to buy gaffer tape! Gaffer tape is used in music and theater shows but I'm looking for it to make a hoop. He asked me if I was looking for real gaff tape or the shiny kind, which I'm assuming he meant electrical tape. I said, "no, the real stuff", then in passing I mentioned I used to be a scenic painter in a prominent theatre but live in this neighborhood now.
I don't remember the exact words but he said they are often in need of casual set crew. I said, "Oh, who would I speak to about that?" He answered that he is the guy because he's the production manager. Then I introduced myself and he asked me to drop off my resume. I thanked him and went on my way, after telling me where I could get the tape I need. DOUBLE SCORE!
So, I went to university to move away from scenic painting but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Scenic painting without a doubt I can do, although I don't know how my body will react to that. I know my Dr. said no but this is casual work...
As I walked away I stared at my stiff hands and gave them a stretch. Will they work? If I can't do this, I can't do anything...
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.... fingers crossed X a million.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Be Kind to Thy Self
AAAAGH! My brain feels like scrambled eggs today. WTF?
I spent the last couple of days functioning quite well getting the boys up and off to school etc. Then yesterday I had another two sets of immunizations. I guess that could be what's up with me today. I'm just tired, feel a little cry-ish and can't seem to get my head on straight to accomplish anything.
Yesterday I was on a fantabulous roll, getting to things that have been left to the wayside, returning emails, printing out a price list for selling my paintings, cleaning and getting organized. Then today started with a screeching halt. I got out of bed at 11:00am and have been mostly on the computer. I've attempted to get a few things done online but my brain couldn't focus and the whole thing seemed like a complicated mess. It should have been a simple task. Today my life feels like it's stagnant and I feel like I am falling into an abyss of failure. Usually I can emotionally keep my head above water but not today.
I eventually attempted to go out somewhere to clear my head and ended up buying a brownie that was $2.25 and tastes, blah. Even that sent me into a spin. A wasted $2.25! In a second attempt I walked to the neighborhood coffee shop and tried to read for a bit with a mocha, that's what "normal" people do, right? Whatever I was reading just made me feel deeper in my hole so I walked home.
I guess I just have to accept that today is difficult for whatever reason and tomorrow will be better.
I spent the last couple of days functioning quite well getting the boys up and off to school etc. Then yesterday I had another two sets of immunizations. I guess that could be what's up with me today. I'm just tired, feel a little cry-ish and can't seem to get my head on straight to accomplish anything.
Yesterday I was on a fantabulous roll, getting to things that have been left to the wayside, returning emails, printing out a price list for selling my paintings, cleaning and getting organized. Then today started with a screeching halt. I got out of bed at 11:00am and have been mostly on the computer. I've attempted to get a few things done online but my brain couldn't focus and the whole thing seemed like a complicated mess. It should have been a simple task. Today my life feels like it's stagnant and I feel like I am falling into an abyss of failure. Usually I can emotionally keep my head above water but not today.
I eventually attempted to go out somewhere to clear my head and ended up buying a brownie that was $2.25 and tastes, blah. Even that sent me into a spin. A wasted $2.25! In a second attempt I walked to the neighborhood coffee shop and tried to read for a bit with a mocha, that's what "normal" people do, right? Whatever I was reading just made me feel deeper in my hole so I walked home.
I guess I just have to accept that today is difficult for whatever reason and tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Hollywood North
Today's post is coming to you from Hollywood North, the land of many movies including the hyper hit, Twilight.
So, just popped out for a coffee at my neighborhood coffee shop which is a few steps from my house and walked into the filming of a Hollywood movie. I knew they were coming today but I though the filming was this evening. I sat at the big window and watched a fairly tense scene where a man jumps out of a car, confronts a man with a bag and forces him into the car.
This isn't the first time I've walked into a movie set but this was the first time I've viewed a hand gun. It was fairly interesting but as soon as that gun came out and shoved into the man's back my brain jumped to, holy crap! It was a bit disturbing. Between the shots they let all the pedestrians through and I asked if I could take a couple of photos. The guys were really friendly and said, sure, as long as I didn't get into anyone's face.
I took a couple and they thanked me for asking before I took them but unfortunately my shots sucked. I'll post them a bit later. At this second they are still filming and I am bored. I really wanted to just roam around in the sunshine but the entire area is a bustle with activity.
A month ago my son had been asked to be in a scene because he is a wrestler. He had been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. The scene was to be a pretty generic, Hollywood type where underdog beats against all odds. They were supposed to be wrestling (choreographed of course) and my son would be beating the kid...then at the last possible second the underdog kid flips him over and wins! My son liked the idea of being in the movie but not the idea of losing. At the last second they cut the scene and made the kid a track star instead. My poor son.
A couple of years back I rented a movie with Meg Ryan and about halfway in my oldest son's best friend walked into the scene. I could scarcely believe it. I was still pretty fuzzy from the chemo brain and asked my younger two if that was actually him. I had forgotten about when he had told me about the scene. Anyway, very bizarre!
Life and Hollywood collides.
So, just popped out for a coffee at my neighborhood coffee shop which is a few steps from my house and walked into the filming of a Hollywood movie. I knew they were coming today but I though the filming was this evening. I sat at the big window and watched a fairly tense scene where a man jumps out of a car, confronts a man with a bag and forces him into the car.
This isn't the first time I've walked into a movie set but this was the first time I've viewed a hand gun. It was fairly interesting but as soon as that gun came out and shoved into the man's back my brain jumped to, holy crap! It was a bit disturbing. Between the shots they let all the pedestrians through and I asked if I could take a couple of photos. The guys were really friendly and said, sure, as long as I didn't get into anyone's face.
I took a couple and they thanked me for asking before I took them but unfortunately my shots sucked. I'll post them a bit later. At this second they are still filming and I am bored. I really wanted to just roam around in the sunshine but the entire area is a bustle with activity.
A month ago my son had been asked to be in a scene because he is a wrestler. He had been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. The scene was to be a pretty generic, Hollywood type where underdog beats against all odds. They were supposed to be wrestling (choreographed of course) and my son would be beating the kid...then at the last possible second the underdog kid flips him over and wins! My son liked the idea of being in the movie but not the idea of losing. At the last second they cut the scene and made the kid a track star instead. My poor son.
A couple of years back I rented a movie with Meg Ryan and about halfway in my oldest son's best friend walked into the scene. I could scarcely believe it. I was still pretty fuzzy from the chemo brain and asked my younger two if that was actually him. I had forgotten about when he had told me about the scene. Anyway, very bizarre!
Life and Hollywood collides.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Merry Back to School!
Tis the Season to be Jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la!
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives! Yes, tomorrow morning I will officially have all big kids because my baby is starting high school. That will make 3 sons, one graduated and 2 in high school. How that hell did this happen? I missed three years, he was 10 then WHAM, now high school. Where did the time go?
Thankfully I feel good things coming. This new school year looks like a big sunrise with that fresh early morning dew smell. I have a lot to hope about. Even sugar coating it all the last 3 years have been bad, damned bad, but tomorrow looks a hell of a lot better.
Fuck cancer!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Lady in Waiting
Where is my life? Fuck. I am getting so fed up with patiently waiting to get better. I waited for a year trying to find out what was wrong with me, I waited through all my chemotherapy for the day it would be over, patiently sitting in a chair for 6 hours a day attached to a pole getting chemo, blood and liquids. I waited 6 weeks to find out whether my brother was a match for my stem cell transplant. I anxiously waited 9 weeks in total for my hospital incarceration to be over and then waited for 100 days as an outpatient so I could go home again. I waited for my medications to be taken off, especially my steroids because they made my life hell. Finally I began to see an improvement.
Then I was put back on the steroids as the graft/vs/host began to wrack my body and my liver. I waited in great pain for my graft/vs/host scarred vagina to have surgery and then waited to heal. I waited for the chemo brain to clear. I waited another year to be taken off the steroids again and waited another year for the negative effects to wear off. Now I wait for the new medications to work so I can sleep normally and be able to work again, to get back to my life.
I think the hold button is stuck.
I worked so hard all summer and months before to build my strength so I could start putting the pieces of my life back together. I thought for sure I could be ready to get back to work by the end of the summer. No such luck. My GP gently said, "No". She wisely stated that I would crash and be set completely back, I have to get my sleep deprivation under control first.
I was heartbroken.
I have worked so hard to get there. Where? Anywhere. This is not me. Waiting and hoping and hoping and waiting. I am a person of action. I fix things. I tackle mountains. This is bullshit.
My Dr. was right, I would crash, I'm not capable yet. I guess I'm glad that she stopped me because I would be crushed if I tried to get back to work, failed, ended up in much worse shape and wrecked my employers confidence in me.
A lot of what my GP has been doing with me is improving my quality of life while I cope with the physical hurdles. Now Why does writing that make me want to cry?
Maybe it's just that kind of day?
So again... I wait.
Then I was put back on the steroids as the graft/vs/host began to wrack my body and my liver. I waited in great pain for my graft/vs/host scarred vagina to have surgery and then waited to heal. I waited for the chemo brain to clear. I waited another year to be taken off the steroids again and waited another year for the negative effects to wear off. Now I wait for the new medications to work so I can sleep normally and be able to work again, to get back to my life.
I think the hold button is stuck.
I worked so hard all summer and months before to build my strength so I could start putting the pieces of my life back together. I thought for sure I could be ready to get back to work by the end of the summer. No such luck. My GP gently said, "No". She wisely stated that I would crash and be set completely back, I have to get my sleep deprivation under control first.
I was heartbroken.
I have worked so hard to get there. Where? Anywhere. This is not me. Waiting and hoping and hoping and waiting. I am a person of action. I fix things. I tackle mountains. This is bullshit.
My Dr. was right, I would crash, I'm not capable yet. I guess I'm glad that she stopped me because I would be crushed if I tried to get back to work, failed, ended up in much worse shape and wrecked my employers confidence in me.
A lot of what my GP has been doing with me is improving my quality of life while I cope with the physical hurdles. Now Why does writing that make me want to cry?
Maybe it's just that kind of day?
So again... I wait.
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