Cheers

I'm pretty proud of myself right now. I've been really sick since about 11pm and have felt like doing the upchuck. I think I may have a small fever as well which would just be playing into my GP's prophecy. I still think everything is fine because I get sick to my stomach and other areas on a fairly consistent basis. It feels gross but I believe it's harmless and it's not a flu. Just special random crap I have to go through.... because I'm that damn special.

So, it's 3:20am and I felt better enough to drag myself to the 7/11, get hit on in the line up and buy a ginger-ale. I'm pretty resourceful and usually have some in my cupboard but unfortunately I recreationally drank it before Christmas. That'll teach me.

And all is well now, all is well. I may even get out a straw.

Fuck the Bad

I took my life into my own hands today by going in for bloodwork a week early. I refuse to be left to live in fear of a cancer recurrence. I might as well know what the hell my body is doing, right? Screw living with my head in the sand, if something bad(or not bad) is coming my way, I'll be facing it.

I'm sure this burden will be lifted when my results come back improved. So far I have had mini freak outs about;

*a paper cut,

*bloating

*Mrs.Monthly showing up for the first time in a year or two(not supposed to be having that at ALL),

*and heart burn.

Like every other person who has had cancer knows, these little things can really fuck up your day. I really don't show emotions about this stuff, the best I can do is write about it. I just know that living, feeling like there is a gun to your head in a sick game of Russian roulette is no way to exist. I know some people practice a fundamentalist form of denial but I just can't go there for a lot of reasons. I need to know.

On other topics, I took these photos to add to the Flikr Bloganista pool. I also took up a kind woman on her offer to do a psychic reading for me. It felt like overcoming a little hurdle for me. Pre cancer I had had opportunities to get physic readings for fun with friends but for no particular reason I had this deep underlying fear of someone saying that I was going to die or tell me I was going to get cancer. I always refused to go. This is probably directly related to some terrible personal experiences from my past that I hadn't gotten over. Whatever. I felt mostly confident that she wasn't going to tell me I was going to die. Imagine being her and seeing that though. What would you say to the person? *awkward!*

Despite all that I can't say I specifically believe in anything other than what I can empirically or scientifically prove but I do have an exceedingly open mind! This is what she sent me;

You're very dependable, trustworthy, and studious. You love nature. When you see something you like, you will go for it. You're sensual and charismatic.

Good things coming your way, but some travel plan might be delayed. You are where you are right now because of your hard work and you earned it. A time for success or prosperity is coming your way. There might even change in residence or moving to a new place.

When you face problems, try to use cleverness to turn tide in your favor :).

She only does readings out of personal interest when she has a little time and she never charges for it. I think it's a very kind gesture to do something like this for someone you don't even know. More evidence that people have wonderful hearts.

The great part is that the next evening I sold 4 paintings!

Scared

I'm not out of the woods yet in regards to my recent GVHD relapse. I swear the doctor appointments never go away. I get my blood taken every two weeks without fail. The photo above is a couple of weeks ago when they couldn't get enough blood from the first hand so they did the other. Every time I go it seems there is someone new, who I haven't had before and I say the same lame joke every time. I ask them to take it out of my hands because my arms are scarring and I don't want to look like a heroin addict, ha ha. Usually that comment is received by the sound of crickets. I think someone laughed once so I don't know why I say it every time.

They always tell me getting it out of my hand hurts a lot and am I sure I want them to do it there? I feel like saying, "HELLO! I had 5 bone marrow biopsies, I laugh at your wimpy little needle!"

Anyway, I'm beating around the bush, the doctors office just called again. My blood is still not right and now my white count is elevated which sends off alarm bells. There are no blasts, which are the cells that mean cancer is back. But still, extra white cells without an illness that I'm fighting off can be bad news. They asked if I am sick at all which could account for the high white cell count but I'm not.

They want me to see my oncologist but all the appointments have been canceled because of THE OLYMPICS. Yes, the Olympics seem to somehow be a valid reason for canceling all doctors appointments in Vancouver. I've had another appointment canceled as well.

So now instead of going for a walk in the rare, beautiful sunshine, I'm sitting here waiting for my GP's office to call back. This sucks.

And the Olympics suck too.

Update: I feel fine but my GP is convinced I'm sick or infected in some way. I'm supposed to get to my oncologist if I have a fever, swelling, puss or any sickness of any sort. They also said that I may just not be well yet from the H1N1 even though it's been almost 3 months. They told me to take it easy.

Parent Fail

Some big changes have come about with my family since I got sick. I used to spend my days with my 3 sons at beaches and parks as well as walking to and from school every day. We were always physically active until I hit full stop. Now I have such a hard time being active and have spent most of my time immobile.

It bothers me but what bothers me more is the inactivity level of my sons. They grew up playing outside, running circles around our house and freaking out the neighbors by climbing trees. They would also spend a bulk of their time reading. I guess my kids were unusual in that way. People never failed to be verbal about the shock of seeing my kids reading in public. I never quite understood the surprise from strangers.

Well, my oldest grew up and moved out (he's 19) and my second son who's 16 has gravitated to team sports has been in football, wrestling, rugby and works out in his lunch hours from school, all out of his own motivation.

Son number 3 has been lagging behind. I feel guilty as I'm laying there exhausted, because I don't have the energy to take him out. I realize at 14, he should be able to do that himself but he's not. I made him join wrestling with his brother and eventually he said he doesn't want to go anymore.

So I call his coach and end up in a long conversation. The coach laughs when I say he might try gymnastics. Coach says, "No way, the time has passed". The coach is a wonderful guy who has dedicated himself to kids for over 40 years, although he sounds relieved that my son is quitting and goes on to tell me that it's obvious my son has no athletic skill whatsoever. And that my son obviously grew up spending all his time on the computer, going on to say, 'When he was a kid, kids played outside etc. etc.' The picture the coach painted of my son made me think he should have his pants pulled up to his chest and snort when he laughs with his argyle vest on while watching youtube.

It was a very painful conversation that lead to the idea that I was a negligent parent... or that's how it felt. He also went on to say that my son was out of luck in the sports arena and, "That's okay if he would never be a sports guy"(AKA an uber geek).

As I thought about my son's activity level, I realized it's only been the last year that he's been staying inside, he'd rather read than do anything else. I go on constant library runs with him and he goes to the bookstore whenever he has money.

Anyway, it hurts to have all the work and activity I did with those kids, all those years just to end up with it being 'obvious' that my youngest has never had any amount of activity in his life!

So basically out of the two sons at home one is physically a tank and the other is gangly, weak and uncoordinated.

I don't expect him to be a hardcore sports achiever but I do want him to be healthy strong and to have fun. I really feel like I committed a parent fail. If I could change things, I would.

Actually I will rephrase that to, "When I figure out how to change things, I will."

I See Drunk People

I've been to a few gatherings recently as well as in the Christmas season and I came to a realization. I get along well with drunk people.

I have some anxiety about going out with groups of people these days because it takes all my energy just to get ready. I really want to make a good impression but with my severe fatigue, when I get extra tired, it can take extra long to get my words out. I forget words. It's frustrating and I hate it. When in that position I feel like a complete moron.

I miss my superhuman memory. I was at the very high end of the memory spectrum and getting used to conversing with people now is very stressful...

Until I realized that I fit in like a glove with anyone who's been drinking. I don't drink because it's all I can do to show up with some makeup, clothes that fit and hair that's bedhead free, if I drank anything, I'd be on my face.

The funny thing about being in a group of people is that they assume I've had a few nips too. I love loopholes like that. So far no one has caught me and I can relax and feel comfortable even if that means being completely anti social and curling up in a corner on the carpet.

Miss Forget Me Not

10:00am -Woke up & got out of bed. Feeling pumped and ready to whip my body back into shape by going to the gym. Life is good.

10:10am -Had my morning tea. Great start to the day!

10:30am -Started getting ready and figuring out what I'd need to wear and bring to work out.

10:45am -Have decided that I will take my ipod, drivers license so I can drive there, keys and a towel.

10:55am -put my items on the chair by the door while I put on my shoes. Simultaneously decide to take the paper recycling out to the big bin on my way out.

10:56am -Pause and worry a little about multi-tasking with my bad memory, decide HELL NO, I CAN DO A FREAK'N MINIMAL JOB LIKE THAT! I can do it! I'm AWESOME! I CAN MUTI-TASK! FUCK YEAH!

10:59am -Ignoring the obvious foreshadowing, dump the paper bin into the dumpster on the recycling side. Notice and get grossed out that it's full of garbage, not paper. Mumble in my head about the losers that don't care about the environment.

11:00am -Driving and at the stop light, do my usual obsessing if all the things I brought are there. Check the seat beside me... can't find my drivers license.

11:01am -Turn the car around and drive back home, pull into my parking spot, start looking all over the seat. As I am doing this a taxi pulls in next to me. The drug dealing neighbors are back.

11:06am -Go check inside the house. No drivers license. Check and check and check.

11:07am -The horror sets in.

11:08am -Use my recycling box to stand on so I can peer over into the big dumpster. Start rummaging through and pulling out the papers that I'd dumped in.

11:09am -Step in a moldy hamburger bun. Can virtually feel the germs crawling up onto my neck.

11:10am -Non drug dealing neighbor comes out of house looking like she's going to work. I smile and say hi while pretending I'm putting my recycling IN. Continue to pretend and smile until she drives out of the lot. Keep desperately looking through dumpster.

11:15am -Drug dealing neighbors who I watched getting arrested last week at gunpoint walk by and see me dumpster diving. I hear them snicker once they've gone by.

11:15am -Realize I've actually managed to hit a new low.

11:16 -Continue stomping on my pride while envisioning having to pay for a new license and drug dealing neighbors or underworld garbage man stealing my identity.

11:20am -Imagining all the credit cards and evil shopping sprees connected to my name.

11:23am -See my life flashing before my eyes.

11:30am -Drag all the papers I'd tossed, back into my house and began searching through them one by one.

11:45am -Seriously begin to panic and continue to go from house to car to bin to house to car to bin.

11:55am -Am about to lose my mind so hop in the car and drive to the gym. Go inside and work out.

12:30pm -See my son on his lunch break working out and give him my sob story. He solemnly nods and says, "That sucks". I feel much better.

12:31pm -Go onto the treadmill and crank up the music on the ipod. Decide that when I go back I will up the ante on the dumpster diving and WILL find my license. Feel comfortable that all will be well.

1:00pm -Pull back in my driveway ready to give it another go and then realize...

THEY HAVE COME AND EMPTIED THE FUCKING DUMPSTER! OMFG!!!!! MY LICENSE IS MADE OF PLASTIC AND WILL NEVER DETERIORATE! MAYBE IT WILL DROP OUT OF THE TRUCK AND SOMEONE WILL FIND IT! OR IT WILL POP OUT WHILE GOING THROUGH PROCESSING!! OR IT WILL SIT IN THE FUCKING LANDFILL NEVER FUCKING DETERIORATING, READY FOR SOMEONE TO FUCKING FIND AT ANY FUCKING MOMENT FOR THE NEXT FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS OR TO FUCKING OBLIVION!!!

1:04pm -Peer dejectedly into the bottom of the empty dumpster....

1:06pm -Looking all pasty and white with a blank stare, go inside stepping over all the previously tossed papers that are now spread all over the entryway.

1:07pm -Walk into my living room and see my license sitting on the movie I also forgot to take back.

What are You Wearing Today?

I've been feeling very inspired the last few days, 2010 feels really good! To prove it, I just joined a Flikr group called the Bloganistas, where bloggers prove they wear more than just sweatpants (or in my case, flannel pajamas). I had some fun with my camera today taking this photo and some other shots for a project I'm working on.

I need to get drawing and painting again, now I'm one step closer!

Changes

Things have to change, I can't keep on like this for much longer. Alternating halfway between sick and better forEVER is getting really old. My life is completely stagnant with few of the things that make like worth living in it. I try and try and try to be satisfied with what I have now because I'm convinced that, that's the road to happiness; making what you have, what you want but unfortunately I wasn't built that way. I was built to challenge.

I was built to climb things, build things and generally explore the nooks cranny's and possibilities of life. I've always been driven to create and discover no matter what. I went to university for a reason. I studied art and business for a reason. I was meant to climb mountains, explore caves and generally make a nuisance of myself. There is so much possibility around and within me.

I love my sons, they are amazing + a million.

Not much else going on for me where I am now. I'm not able to be consistent or reliable and that drives me nuts. I avoid making plans with people because I really don't know if I will be well enough to go when the time comes. Not being able to work HAS to change.

It's so humiliating to look fine on the outside but to have your insides in such a fluctuating dangerous mess. I hate explaining my deficits when people ask and I generally keep it undercover when I'm having problems because it's easier. I like to look strong but even better I like to be strong, sometimes I'm only faking it. Tripping in front of someone is always embarrassing because I need to be caught or I'll end up on my face.

I need to create, become financially viable again and pay off my debts from my medications. I need to rebuild my physical strength and get past all these setbacks. I need to have a life that brings me things rather than just reminding me of all the things I've lost.

I want joy again but most of all I want to STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING. I know I need to be kind to myself and forgive my body for all it's limitations right now, but I also need something more.

MORE dammit, MORE!

Welcome 2010

May you be all the things I know you can be....

and more.