Tripping

I'm in my studio. I am sore and feel somewhat violated even though the surgery was for the greater good. I've just come down here to get away from my bed. I've spent too much time in my bed these last two years. Even though I hurt, I feel so physically relieved.

I've just tidied up the space on my studio floor where I sat the last three months crippled in pain and painting in what I called my nest. I was in too much pain to even sit in a chair at my easel. I had a show scheduled, so I painted. I've always seemed to keep going no matter how harsh my circumstances. But now as I sit here looking at my newly clear floor that was so recently my nest, I see how ridiculous I must be.

Vagina Rising

Vagina Letter

This is an experpt from a letter sent to my vagina today, from a friend who knows my weird sense of humour and how to make me laugh.

dear baldylocks' vagina,

now i know you have been through a hell of alot, as has the rest of baldylocks, but you really took one for the team with the host versus graft, it was painful beyond what you ever thought would be possible and for so so long. as if the pain wasn't enough, there was that time at the c bay pharmacy when the pharmacist was so embarrassed about your situation that he made you feel humiliated for wanting a more humane and narrower cream dispenser. then, after going through so much your hope was simply to return to your former shape, size and self, but no, that was not to be.

i am sorry. it really sucks. i know that you will do what you have to do to be the best vagina baldylocks could ever have. you will even surrender yourself to a practical stranger in an operating room. you are the ultimate trooper. thank you. thank you for all of your healing up hard work. thank you for trusting the surgeon to restore you to a healthier self that can fit in a penis and support a cervix and uterus. you will get well again, i mean really well. well enough to possibly enjoy the pleasure of a penis with a scottish or australian accent one day. great things are ahead for you. vagina you are loved and appreciated. i am sorry that you have to go thru more crap. i wish it was over already, but i promise that this is your best path to healing. be brave tomorrow vagina. you have a destiny, you are precious, and you are loved.


Everybody do the happy vagina dance for me!

Proud Mamma Day

Saved

from another turkey disaster! A friend of mine who is a cooking genius swooped by to pick up the turkey. She will cook it tonight and drop it off before work in the morning. I don't think things could get much better!

Friends kick ass.

That includes internet friends.

Here is my previous turkey/vs/stove incident.

Week of Hell

Took son #2 to Dr because he thought had had a cracked rib. He felt better but I took him to Dr anyway because I couldn't afford cancellation fee. Dr listened to his lungs and realized he's only using 2/3rds of his lung capacity. Checked a lump on his neck and decided he needs a pulmonary test and an ultrasound on it. We went and had bloodwork done (on him!) and he had a chest x-ray.

Oven is still not working and failed the chicken test. I have no way to cook the turkey tomorrow for son#1 grad dinner, yet.

Airplane cancelled yesterday and I had to drive, catch ferries etc. at last minute. As a result, today I am in pain that even my heavy doses of Tylenol+Advil will not touch.

Can't get a hold of any friends to find a working oven.

Have only 1/2 the money for the rent.

Tomorrow will be better.

May 24/2008

Here I Go

Jumping into the land of the unknown.

EEEEEEK *blush*

Well, I don't know what to say about my last post. Thanks for all the amazing responses. I've never added up how much a month worth of medication costs because I didn't want to face it. Which is odd, because my life is all about budgeting. I'm a genius at living with little, but I'm not sure how to manage what is happening financially right now. I'm in a bit of a tight spot to put it mildly.

And I'm a bit embarrassed about my last post. I was going about picking up the turkey for my sons dinner and trying to stay calm and in control despite everything I have to do this coming week as well as my financial situation. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions at the same time without the extra money stress.

Happiness and joy for my oldest son. Sadness that my baby is now a man. Sadness that I've missed these last two years of his life by being ill. Weirdness because I'm too young to have a son graduating! I had him when I was still in high school. I promised him the best life ever which I've succeeded in many ways but I've also fallen short in many ways. I just can't believe my chance to do things for him is done. He is an adult now and needs to make his own choices.

I always knew I wanted to get him an amazing graduating gift to let him know, I believe in him and am proud of him. Unfortunately the bank account is empty.

The other side of this pull, is my anxieties about the surgery. Also travelling back and forth etc etc.

Coming back to my embarrassment of my last post, this is what happened. I was out picking up my medications and a turkey, came back home and took my afternoon medications. A short time after that I must have written my blog post. Then I went and curled up outside with a blanket and a pillow in my hammock. I felt great and ended up having a big nap which I never do because it usually makes me feel like hell.

Later I woke up and felt not quite awake but fabulous and dreamy. Later I realized I had taken my evening medication which included sleeping pills, rather than my afternoon ones. I'm not sure how I managed to do that because I have them all set out in a pill organizer.

I'm so glad I didn't drive anywhere because I had no idea what I had done. At least it led to a nice lazy afternoon...and a slightly baring blog post.

Melting

So the crunch time is now. My son is graduating this week and I am having my vagina surgery this week.

Monday -fly to Vancouver for an unexpected anaesthesiologist appointment
Tuesday -take son #2 to Dr because he thinks he has a cracked rib.
Wednesday- Have to clean the houe, cook turkey and have my sons grandparents, my sons dad, sons girlfriend and her parents. The we go to the walk up.
Thursday- drive to Vancouver for surgery, stay overnight at the Cancer lodge.
Friday -first thing in the morning have my surgery
Come back Friday
Saturday- sons prom where he will be dressed up in his tux.

I can' believe this is happening. My sons grad is supposed to be about HIM. Not my fucking surgery.

I also don't have any money. As in no money for rent. No money for a grad present. I have a credit card for the dinner and then I'm done financially. I'm not sure what will happen next.

I refuse to give up being productive some way which pays monetarily. I need money. The costs of my medications are just not on the budget.

An Oprah AHA moment minus Oprah

I've been having fun making little videos. I don't have a camera or anything, just my webcam.

After a couple of days of intense video editing I was feeling exhausted. I was at a friends and wanted to curl up into a ball and be at home. I felt terrible. She was making tea for me and the next thing you know I'm taking photos of her dead flowers. I felt dried up just like the crooked one. Next thing you know, I realized I felt better.

In that second I also realized that the reason I haven't fallen into a depression, is because I create. I create therefore I am.

Depression is extremely common after a bone marrow transplant and I've had my moments but nothing you can call depression.

So, therefore, I will keep creating videos, photographs, paintings, blog posts. It's what is keeping me alive. I've never been so clear on something as I was at that moment.

News Paper Article

I'm doing the happy dance right now! Mentally of course. Spectacular and tragic accidents happen when I physically try and do the happy dance.

I finally got a hold of a copy of the news article the paper did about me and my artwork. The photo of me is HUGE. I admit, it's a good photo of me, taken last year in brief time I was off the prednisone. I look pretty hot and fabulous with my "pixie cut" and my boots.

I was on the cover of the ARTS section and my photo takes up most of the page. The article is hideously flawed with misquotes, including a baited quote at the end. I would have never said, "It would be nice if people would buy my paintings", if the journalist hadn't asked and baited me in to saying it. How unprofessional sounding on my part. Also, the part at the bottom of the article where they say, "see ART SHOW pg. 2", it said, "see DISEASE pg.2" It also called me, "groggy", because I explained, "chemo brain" to him. They also had the photo of my painting sideways, but whatever. ANYWAY. I could write another article on all the mistakes they made, but all in all, it looks really good.

The part that has me really excited, is how the universe has a way of putting things together.

A few years ago I left the community I grew up in to finish my studies at a larger university with more impressive credentials. As I finished my last year I ended up diagnosed with leukemia. While I was in hospital I read an article from a First Nations artist from my home community. He candidly spoke about how he nearly ended his life and how the decision to create through art, saved his life. I was incredibly touched by his story and cut out the article to paste in my cancer scrapbook. His honesty and struggle gave me an extra bit of fight and inspiration.

As I sat side stage during my convocation, I looked in the grad pamphlet and saw that I had graduated with honours and with distinction! I also learned that the artist whom I had read about was receiving an honorary degree. I heard him tell the same story that I had pasted in my scrapbook a few days earlier.

After the ceremony, I went backstage and to meet him and they threw me in front of the camera during his photo shoot...with my blue wig! When I was back in hospital for my stem cell transplant, he tracked down my grandmother and through her, sent me a beautiful card and hand written note.

I also used a quote from him in my artist write up, for my show.

Today, when I opened the paper, there was a full article of him opposite to mine in the Community section. Between the two of us we took up the entire two pages! I've been planning to get in contact with him again to thank him. This is the little push I've needed, to do it.

I'm sitting on my patio right now, in the dark typing this and feeling very blessed, lucky...and content.

Today

Stem Cell Donations

It's much easier than it used to be.



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Spread your happy cells around.

Boys

I'm having a hard time believing my surgery will take this pain and sickness away. I feel like carp and am trying my best to be interactive with my family. I often have a long face, simply because of how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm putting out the vibes that I'm mad at them, which I'm not. Until I get super grumpy and my middle son says, "Holy, mom, you're so grumpy".

I've been reading to the kids at night and have been tucking them in to bed like sausages. I used to do that when they were little and they are still loving it.

I feel like my prolonged illness has left a hole. I was gone for six months full time and half the time, for several months after that. My boys were young boys and when I came back they were changed. They were becoming young men. Despite boys acting all independent, they still need their parents and unfortunately I'm all they have. I owe it to them to be here.

I'm here but my capabilities are not at a proper parenting level. It makes me sad for them. Their manners have been corrupted in the stress of me being away and I've missed out on many life lessons. They are good kids with good intentions but are slobs. I can't blame them, through all this trauma but we need to pull ourselves back together. Farting is NOT a joke. Burping is NOT appropriate. Rooms should be kept clean, dishes should remain in the kitchen.

But who am I kidding. All this work I've done to make them well adjusted capable human beings and now life is upside down. Of all the people I've talked to going through cancer recovery, none of them have been single parents of a large family. How do you heal when shit has to be done? I need someone taking care of me and I hate it.

It sucks and is shitty and crappy and whatever. Blah blah blah.

My sons are such amazing people. They deserve better than a sick grouchy mom.

Dreams of the Desert

I've been feeling a bit restless and unfocused since I put up my artwork in the gallery. Now I feel like I'm just waiting for my surgery. I've been thinking about what I had wanted for my life "before". I had wanted to study and do my masters in Australia. I was looking for my photography text and found the information pamphlets and contacts for making it all happen. I feel a sense of loss for all the plans I had.

Physically I've been having a rough time. High Desert Diva came to my rescue and sent me a little package a few weeks ago. I was super slow that day so it took me a while to open it. I had to admire every layer that went into putting it together. She had beautiful brown paper packaging and calligraphy with my name and address on the front. The big surprise was when I opened it.


An envelope said, "Come to the Desert".


She had sent me the little diva spider she had made out of vintage materials and had made me a little photo book.


She has the most beautiful pictures of the desert around her house. I had no idea that the desert is so beautiful, with so many colours and views. It's an invitation to go see her in the USA. Completely doable when I feel a bit better. I imagine myself going to see all the amazing places including the ravine where I asked her if the were any dead bodies at the bottom. I would expect at least a couple of dead bodies in a ravine that big.

Thanks Desert Diva! The envelope now hangs on my studio wall beckoning me to the desert.

So Australia can wait as I have wonderful plans for my near future.

How to Freak Out Your Teenagers

See freaky animation that sends your youngest into fits of, "That's SO freaky! Gnomes are evil! If I ever saw one of those I'd..." He continues to tell everyone he sees for the next few days about the video and what HE would do if the gnomes came after him.

Several days later you find a bunch of driftwood Santas floating in the ocean. Happily bring one home and plant it in the yard. They see it and use it for Nerf target practise.

Next, after dark, bring it into the basement hiding on a shelf near their video games. When one of them comes up and starts yelling, "Who brought in the gnome?", make sure to be brushing your teeth and blame it on the other sibling. Accuse them both. This will plant seeds of doubt and make them nervous.

They toss it back out into the dark of the yard.

When the lights are out and they are in bed, sneak out to get it and covertly place it just outside the bedroom door.

Make sure you have just enough lighting to cause a shadow and slowly crack open the door so they can see it. This is the tough part because there will be dead silence. Teenagers are by nature nervous creatures.

Beware if they have just received Nerf guns for their birthday. This may give them an inflated sense of safety and false sense of security. Don't worry, you are still in control.

Make sure to be consistent. Place it in the shower for when they are still groggy, getting ready for school the next morning.

After finding the gnome hiding in the bushes in the front yard today, it's now waiting for them to come home from school.

Disclaimer: No teenagers were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Hidden People

I try to take my camera everywhere I go. The reason is, is that the world is a fascinating place. If you open your awareness and look up from your own life, you will see things. Intriguing, curious and mind bending things. Instead of constantly building answers in our controlled universes, you end up with more questions.

Cancer has busted me out of my workaholic, perfectionist, achievement based world and shown me something new. The world is slower now. In the slowness of life you can actually see the details. Put down that coffee, lay down your to do lists, and look.

The other day I drove to the beach and saw 3 people. A girl and a guy were naked, painted purple and running and splashing in the ocean. The third was taking their photos. They continued this while people went by, jogging, walking, and strolling with their dogs talking on phones and listening to ipods. Some of them never noticed. Some of them were startled at the last moment and kept going. I sat watching and wondering. Why didn't I have my camera? My best guess is they were art students. God I miss school.

I went by a friend of the family's house and met her new "other". Fascinating. I will post about that tomorrow.


Yesterday I went for a walk to the beach and came across painted driftwood Santas floating in the ocean. All their faces had been scribbled over. Creepy. Again no camera. I went back today for some photos.

They had been tossed up all over the beach overnight. Next thing you know, one was coming home with me.

I planted him in the yard to wait for my kids.

Watch this and you'll see why, heh, heh.




I'm going to put it in their bedroom when they are sleeping tonight.

Art Show Success

Wow. So much has been happening. I hung my work in the gallery window on Monday and stayed over at my parents house because it is a bit of a drive. It turned out much better than I expected.

After hanging my artwork I was exhausted and came back the next day before I headed home. People were stopping down the street to look at it.

I just got off the phone with someone from the newspaper. They are running a cover story about me and my artwork on mothers day. I always feel nervous speaking to journalists because of the spin they put on things. I'm also hyper private. I hate talking about myself.

I know. Sooo contradictory that I have this super secret, available on the internet blog. Ha ha. I think the chances of someone I know stumbling upon my blog is super slim. Then I would feel self conscious.

The article is no accident because we sent a press release out. When it comes down to it, though, I shrivel up inside. I feel like what I'm going through is nobody's business but mine. I feel like if I disappeared completely, that would be okay. People often assume that artists want fame but some of us would be content with making things in our basements. Having them hang in public and scrutinized can be painful. I guess you could call me the reluctant artist.

Anyway, enough of my anxieties. The show looks awesome and a half.


I had amazing adventures while I was gone and I can't wait to share them. People are fascinating.

Unfortunately the reflection off the front of the windows was brutal, so I had to shoot from the side. I then began photographing my reflection. I never fail to entertain myself and incite curiosity from passersby.

Success!

(I have some serious catching up to do with my blog)

I'll add photos tomorrow!

Commence Meltdown

I'm in bed now with tomorrow looming ahead of me. Putting my art up this month seems a bit like a set up for failure considering my body is in pain and won't cooperate. It's easy to overlook all that pain/body mumbo-jumbo until there are deadlines and things to be done. I'm usually going about my business and feeling okay about my abilities because I'm not obligated to do much. And I'm not obligated to do much because my abilities are down on the floor. This art show has been a huge challenge and by nature I love challenges.

This time is different, though. This time I can't push myself like I used to because my body will just stop. It won't argue with me, it will just say,"done", and that's that.

It pisses me off.

Thanks for everyones encouragement...and if anyone would like to trade bodies with me until Monday night, I would really appreciate it.

Crunch Time

Please excuse me while I freak out.

Please body, please keep going! Please, please, please! I have my art show to put up Monday. My house is going to be mobbed by teenagers overnight for my sons party!

Please let me get up in the morning and be able to function, I have so much to do! Don't seize up, don't stop working. I need you.

Gyno Post

So, the gynaecologist is really a gyno-oncologist which makes me feel a whole lot better about sticking to this route for surgery. Staying out of the emergency ward, and travelling to Vancouver is a good thing. They are the top of the top specialists in Canada and the world.

That being said, I fear for my vagina. I was less composed than usual and the Dr. could see the upset. I couldn't really hold it back. She did an internal exam which hurt despite her having, "the smallest fingers in the office". Believe me, as weird as that sounds, I was glaaaad to hear it.

The graft/vs/host from my bone marrow transplant is scarring my vagina and closing over my cervix. Yum.

They have set a date for surgery in one month. I am so happy to have it! YAY!

After they take care of it, then my medications, including the prednisone, can be tapered off and I will be feeling like a million bucks!

Right?

Way tired

I'm back. As usual I'm way tired and need to recoop. I will get into all the lovely details of my gynaecologist appointment later. One good piece of news is I have my surgery date!

I swear, nothing will hold me back once I've had it done.