Am I Emo?

After my emotional rollercoaster ride the last few days I saw this video on YouTube. I had cried when I bought a Snapple yesterday and began to wonder if I had lost my mind. This video anwers the age old question, "What is Emo?" Unfortunately it left me with more questions,


"Am I Emo?"




After more study of this video and speaking to my Dr. today, the verdict is out. I am not Emo. Thank goodness, I'm not sure what I'd have to take for that.

The reason I've been so emotional is because my oncologist has been tapering my prednisone down. While the levels lower in my body, it gives certain side effects. One is apparently feeling like crying.

I'm so glad she cleared that up.

Secret

I never show anyone the pages of my sketchbook.



These are photos of some older pages. The images on them don't mean anything and they are not representations of my work. They are more like thought processes on paper. A little like a visual diary of my mind.



This first page is in the new book after I was diagnosed with cancer. I was thinking "Fuck You, Cancer" Bite me.

I add quotes a lot. "Reality is frequently inaccurate". This was my feeling at the time. How could this be happening?



I've had a few bumps and hurdles in my life, so I wrote, "Fall seven times, stand up eight" on the hospital room wall. Cancer is just another hurdle, a bump in the road.



I struggle with how to express what I am going through on to a two dimensional surface because this is what I do. My thoughts and emotions occasionally get the better of me like today when I cried trying to buy a bottle of Snapple at the Cancer Society. Why did I cry? Crying is so foreign to me.

When I was a kid I thought I was going to become a writer but through some early traumas, I lost my written words. I eventually turned to art again and spent years trying to get in touch with myself so my art could be real.

Now I've lost my art as my hands don't work and I am overly fatigued.
I don't express my emotions in words because words are dangerous.

I find myself a little miffed now as I type these words out, day after day, where people can read them.



"The threads of circumstance that lead to tomorrow are so tenuous that all the fussing and worrying about decisions is futile compared to the pure randomness of existence. -Nick Bantock (artist)

Back to Life

The mind is willing but the body is not quite there yet. I've been yearning to get into my studio and paint. I'm still not up to it but I know it's coming. I've been buying things thinking I will do something with them.

First I dropped into a thrift store and came out with these ceramic bunnies. What the heck am I going to do with those? Yesterday I went out to the art supply store and Michaels (the biggest supplier of craft crack). I bought glass Mason jars, glitter, small canvas' and even a rubber stamp. These have all been impulse buys! The last time I bought a stamp was 15 years ago.



Really, I have no clue what I'm doing with this stuff. I'm a bit like a crow, I like shiny things. Unfortunately I don't have a job, or any money. Oops.

This morning I dared to enter the studio and tried to make myself at home. My favorite orange chair seems a bit like a cold stranger. I've spent a lot of happy hours here.



I know I will again.

The state of my work table is a bit chaotic but I did do a little mucking around. I'm pretty excited about what I'm doing.



It's a start.

Duh

So after my scare yesterday, I woke up not feeling too badly. I got up before noon for once. I made some tea and went down to my scary scary studio. I haven't been in there for a while because of my fatigue.

I'm sure you know, but there are different levels of scary. Evil phone call level 12, messy studio level 8, teenage boys level 5. (Let's not forget I have 3 of them). Sponge Bob theme music level 3. Unfortunately I'm being forced to listen to it right now.

This struggle to exist is so difficult. Truthfully this treatment is worse than the cancer. The cancer made me sick and would have killed me. The bone marrow transplant may make me sick and disabled for life (and may kill me). Great choices. I firmly believed that I would get back to "normal" but now I wonder what is normal? What kind of normal can I live with?

This brain fog and memory problem is so frustrating. I feel like a complete moron often. If I interact with people I am more likely to feel bad because I may say something dumb which is obvious to others but I have forgotten. I did that yesterday. My severe fatigue also makes me a little bit dopey when I get overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed when there are too many people or if I'm in an unfamiliar place.

Yesterday I picked up my boys at swimming and we sat down so they could have fries. I was proud that I had the energy to find the place. As I sat there my youngest went to go get something but was paranoid his brother would eat his fries. For good reason. I was left to guard but my middle son said "What does that say?" and pointed behind me. Duh. I looked and he ate a fry. Ok. So that's not SO bad but he did it three times and I looked each time.

Then he said "Hey, there is SoAndSo", and I looked again. Do I laugh or do I cry about that?

It's kind of funny but I still might cry.

I still want to do my Masters at University. I doubt they will accept me if they do the old "Made you look", graduate test.

I meant to write about my studio. What happened there?

Holy Fuck

I've just had the shit scared out of me. I actually left the house for a bit today and when I came back there was a message from my Dr.'s office for me to call them. I get blood work done every two weeks because my type of leukemia is aggressive and quick. I have the results sent to my house directly just to be sure.

I'm at the end of the road for my treatment. I am in remission and everything should be okay from here on but if it came back....

When the school principal calls the first thing she says is, "Your son/daughter is okay!" and then she talks to you about whatever. I think when leaving messages the Dr.'s office should say "You're not going to die!"

It turns out they wanted to talk about my vagina but I almost wore out the phone calling them because they weren't picking up.

I had a fellow bone marrow transplanter say to me once "Aren't you constantly afraid it will come back? I'm terrified every time I get my blood work done".

NO. I am not afraid and don't give it much of a thought when they draw my blood. I'm living today and I refuse to live in fear.

I am shaking now, though. My yummy pie tastes like cardboard. Fear sucks ass.

Kelly Kicks Ass

Now forever known as "Kick Ass Kelly", Kelly from Chemopolooza is officially declared in remission!




Congratulations Kelly!

PS -YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Not to Wear

I thought I would give out a little tip on getting hospital scans done, since this seems to be the theme of the week.

#1 Don't -Don't wear your cute little undies or thongs when going for your tests. It may feel good when you know you've got the cute stuff under where no one can see them. It's a whole other scenario once you have to put on the hospital gown and the disposable booties.

The back doors on those gowns are pretty hard to keep closed.

Not sexy.

In my rush to head out the door yesterday I nearly put on the leopard print, boy underwear. Glad I caught that one in time. The thongs were thankfully retired a while back.

So be forewarned. Unless that's your "thing", of course. Then knock yourself out.

An Ode to Kelly from Chemolpolooza

Today I'm writing about an Internet Super Star, Kelly Kane from Chemopolooza. She has some important tests coming up on Thursday, so I thought today was a good day to say a few mushy things.

Number one is Kelly, hugs, strength and I know you will be fine. I'm going to send you a little something, which isn't much but I will anyway. That is of course if you will email me your address (which you may not want to give up after this post).

I also wanted to say what your friendship has meant to me in this short time.

This last summer I was having a pretty rough time. I was ill and unable to do anything but lay around. I was alone and didn't even have my kids because I couldn't take care of them. I was angry and frustrated beyond comprehension. I wasn't familiar with the Internet but began surfing to try and find someone or something inspiring in relation to dealing with cancer.

All I found was misery. I was nearly out of my mind when I came across Chemopolooza. On this blog was fabulous picture of a woman with a red wig JUST LIKE MINE! This was obviously my kind of person with a name like that, and such a great sense of style.

Through Kelly's blog, I was able to connect with I'mTooYoungForThis.com which had other people who held the same ideas about this crap as me. Through her, I found others with a sense of humour. The name Chemopolooza says it all.

I sheepishly commented on her blog and she checked me out and commented on mine! OMFG! An internet Super Star noticed me! Next thing you know, we were best friends and we did everything together.


I'm the one with the curly hair.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing to encourage me, but she does it daily, even when I'm feeling sucky.


She plays a wicked Wii. She beats me every time.


My favorite times are when we share our deep thoughts. She's amazing, she knows everything.

So, good luck with your tests on Thursday, Kelly. Kick some ass! Then you can have your Chemopolooza! Pour me another one. You make a mean cancertini.

Shoe Envy

I had my Vancouver bone scan today to see if my bones are swiss cheese like from the prednisone. I'm sure they're fine. The real highlight of the day was the shoe envy I experienced. I bought these shoes almost two years ago and didn't get to wear them much because I became ill.

Well, today I had them on and it was all about the shoes. Apparently it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you have some fancy kicks. It first happened to my friend who just had her boots arrive from Holland. A woman walked by and gave a quick one up with the "Damn I wish I had those" look. Later as we walked down the road by a cafe another woman eyed up mine. The bone scan tech drooled all over them at my appointment.



I wonder if people would still notice them if I walked down the road naked?

All Stupid Now

The heat is on. Not that long ago I could kick ass at University and life in general. I had a mind like a steel trap, I remembered everything. I've always been full of random facts and one of my favorite things was to research some new idea. Yeah, I'm a bit of a geek but geek is chic now, right?



After my very first round of chemo I realized I wasn't remebering very well. I suddenly couldn't remember anyones phone #. The nurse giggled "Oh, that's Chemo Brain". Chemo Brain? What the fuck? (of course I said "WTF" in my head). The way she said it, I thought, Oh well..must be temporary.

Temporary my ass.

It's been a year and a half later and I can remember peoples phone numbers now but a lot more slips through my brain cells. I can't seem to manage myself very well. It turns out life is full of complications like, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, eating etc. Takes up the entire day. I find cell phones confusing because It takes me a bit to remember how to use it. I pay my bill twice, or late, I forget my words as I'm speaking. This "remembering" thing is out of control.

I have other things which need to be done like groceries and Dr.s appointments. Yesterday I woke up and realized I have a Vancouver appointment on Tuesday. Shit! Not only that but they called me to confirm a few days ago and I was supposed to call back. I forgot as soon as I heard the message. It snuck up on me despite that I've known for a month and have had reminders.

What's happened to me? I have to arrange a ride, meals for the kids, ferry times and all that. I have to call right now to even see if I still have an appoinment.

I've tried many things to combat this ditzyness. My cellphone alarm goes off to remind me of my medications, I have a calendar on my computer (which I am attatched to). I can't even get the information correctly onto my computer! I try to call and double check everything, usually finding out I had it wrong.

I know I am whining but I'm scared. I feel like a complete idiot. When will this get better? When will the old me be be back again? How do I let poeple know I may not recognise them on the street or remember their names or even that I talked to them?

So, here is my "Chemo Brain" disclaimer;

To whom it may concern;

Due to chemo brain, menopause, lack of sleep and high levels of medications I regret to inform you that I may forget some things. I may forget what we talked about, that we went out to lunch or that I haven't spoken to you for weeks or months. I may forget if I owe you money or if you owe me money. I may even forget that I was mad at you at some point, so this, you may regard as a plus.

Please do not be offended as I mean none by it. Please don't go telling all your other freinds that I'm "all stupid now". I'm sure you won't but if you do, likely I won't remember.

Celebrity Hair Envy

Ok, yes, if you have long flowing locks I am secretly coveting your hair. If you can feel the wind blowing through your hair and even brush it in the morning, then watch out. I have my eye on you.

I visited my best online friend, Kelly from Chemopolooza, yesterday to find a gorgeous pic of her with her newly coloured hair. She can even tie it back! We have made a pact that by June we will have long flowing tresses just like Charlie's Angels.



That's us, we are the pretty two. (Ha ha!) We obviously need a third now. We're currently taking in applications.

I also have a theory and a plea. This goes out to all the rich, random celebrities out there (you know who you are) . These people blatantly prance around with their full heads of hair mocking those of us who are, scalp challenged. They have plenty of money and they get hair extensions all the time. Look a Britney for instance. She shaved her head (Yay Britney! Welcome to my world) and then was able to get hair extensions with nothing more than a 5 o'clock shadow.

Whoever her hair dresser was, she was good. Maybe they just glued the hair to her head. Anyway, I digress.

So to all you stupidly rich famous people, do a little good in this world. Donate your money to some poor underprivileged, previously chemo'd, short haired person.

I want to look like you.

A Little Coaster Crazy

I felt a little better today and managed to actually accomplish something. I made coasters and put them in my Etsy shop. How freakishly exciting!

I get really angry about taking all of these medications, so what do I do? I photograph them.

??????

I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I'm not really sure what to make of myself creeping around taking pictures of my drugs. Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. But how could something wrong look, oh, so good?



Sometimes I wonder about myself...

Bone Marrow Apathy

Sorry I haven't posted the last couple of days. I've been much too busy shopping and going out for lunch etc. etc. A girl just can't have too many pairs of shoes.

I wish. I've actually just been too tired. This Bone Marrow Transplant business is just SO hard to recover from. When did I sign up for this?

Ok, so yes, I did in fact sign up for this. The Dr's do in fact give you a very graphic education before they give you the choice of whether to do the transplant or not. So....do I die or do I take the transplant? This may seem like an easy decision, but it isn't. The recovery process is brutal and life changing.My body has been altered right down to my DNA. And quality of living... It's important.

So, if you are questioning my "attitude" because of my occasional apathy, you can think of it like this.


I have a glass which is half full, NOT half empty. But if you see there are many other glasses which need my attention. There is a glass which is for taking care of myself. This includes getting dressed, bathing, taking my pills, getting sleep, going for walks, attending Dr's appointments, sleeping, nurturing my mind and the occasional Starbucks mocha. (and of course, my blog)

There is a glass for getting groceries, paying bills, filling out forms etc.

There is a glass for taking care of my kids (bottomless....)

A glass for housework, laundry, cooking....

A glass for nurturing friendships....etc......

There is not enough to go around. I am often too tired to drink or eat. That's why I have the Meals On Wheels, bless their hearts. The most basic thing I HAVE to do is take my meds or the jig is up. I have to decide every day what I do because it is so limited. I do try to do things which give me some peace or happiness. Sometimes laundry actually is it.

This blog is the one accomplishment I have in the day. I dream about painting again, running, dancing....This stuff can't be done from my bed. My muscles won't let me.

Not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just saying, I'm tired.

National Grouch Day Blog Contest

Looky that! A day designated just for us. Who would have known it would be National Grouch Day. Somebody needs to pull up their socks on this whole getting the word out thing. Damned slackers!





To celebrate our National Grouch Day I'm going to throw a contest. Whoever can identify the Mystery Meals on Wheels meal will get a magnet from my shop.

How about "This Sucks, No Shit" in green?





















Or how about "Bite Me" in pink?







So, drum roll pleeeease......









This is not a joke. Someone expected me to eat this. Yes, I know I'm ungrateful, but really? Add this with a little nausea and you have a party!

Please leave a comment on what you think it is and you might WIN.

Chemo Girl #2

So... it seemed Chemo Girl and Slipper Boy had parted ways and that would be that.

One day Chemo Girl realized that Slipper Boy was in possession of a source of her super powers...her photos of her head getting shaved. These photos were no mere photos. They were, in fact, the precise moment when Chemo Girl became a super hero with all of her associated powers.

As Chemo Girl was too weak to do anything until she received her photos back, her friend sent a message to Slipper Boy. Chemo Girl would love to have her photos back...please...

Well, this sent Slipper Boy into a delusional rage. The Dark Side had pierced his heart and there was no turning back. The brave friend deflected evil messages left and right doing her best to protect Chemo Girl. Unbenownst to her, evil, defaming messages were being sent to Chemo Girl's other friends as well.

Slipper Boy demanded to confront Chemo Girl herself in a battle for the Photos.

He tried to distract her with other pictures which were obviously not THE photos and tried to shame Chemo Girl as well as many other desperate deeds. He said the photos were "ruined" and that he "didn't know how to send them". His pathetic attempts did not fool Chemo Girl. She's not stupid.

Chemo Girl resisted for as long as possible but it seemed there was no other way...She would have to confront the now evil Slipper Boy if she EVER wanted to see her photos again....

Weak...but trying not to show it she fired a tactful but curt message to Slipper Boy to PLEASE return the All Important Photos.

Suddenly....

Slipper Boy's angst seemingly melted and he sent them. But not without a reprimand trying to make Chemo Girl feel like a bad child.

Chemo Girl held her head high and did not stoop to his evil methods by sending him the all encompassing Hate Letter. She moved on just hoping that his damage to her circle was superficial and knowing that his powers had diminished to.....


....the point of non existance....

So, once again Chemo Girl had kicked ass. Maybe next time she'll have to aim for his balls.

Starbucks Strikes!

Starbucks is Stealing My Money!

How do they do it? I don’t even drink coffee but they manage to get their hands in my pocket at least once a week. It’s about $5 each time.

When they plunked their new shop in my neighborhood between me and the beach I thought, “HA! You’ll never get me!” Now I seem to be eating my words. They laugh their sinister laugh each time I waddle past them and am unable to resist their sucking force field.

Starbucks Hellfire.

Today they took almost $20! After I bought my mocha, I was compelled to buy this giant mug to drink tea in my studio.



Isn't it cute?

Oh, if only there were somewhere else to spend my nonexistant money! Oh, help. If anyone has the antidote let me know…

Chemo Girl

So...

Once upon a time there was a super hero named Chemo Girl. Chemo Girl could fight Crazy Mutant White Blood Cells and endure what ever the Dreaded Dr.s could throw at her. She fought evil fevers day after day from her own hospital room lair over looking the city and even made it through the administering of...the Benadryl.




She was radioactive and had many super powers. These super powers were praised by all the people who knew and loved her. By her side she had Slipper Boy.

Slipper Boy had previously gone to the dark side but had seemingly reformed when he came out of nowhere and saved Chemo Girl from the Mutant White Cell attack. He helped get her to the Supercopter and back to safety.

Unfortunately when the storm was over, her faithful Slipper Boy began showing signs of indecision. It seemed he was feeling the pull again, of the Dark Side.

Chemo Girl threw a party for Slipper Boy to celebrate his success, as she wanted him to know how much she appreciated his service. At the party, something was wrong. Slipper Boy seemed distant...uncaring....

Sadly, Slipper Boy's weakness, once again, allowed the Dark Side to take him over ........or perhaps he went willingly?

We shall never know...

TO BE CONTINUED....

Birthday, Thanksgiving, South Park Hangover

So, I've been trying to recover from a fabulous birthday and a great double thanksgiving. I've done a little sleeping and a lot of mucking around the Esty forums. Basically I haven't been feeling well enough to do anything but waste time.

I found a great time waster on a South Park people building site. I don't even like South Park but I know I spent well over an hour on there. Unfortunately for you I'm going to share.




The bald pic is what I looked like last year.











The next one is what I look like now with my new curly hair! Yeah, I'm not quite together.











This is me today....















but I'm sure this is what I'll look like next week.





But in the meantime I'm going to rest, rest, rest until I feel better. Then watch out world, I'm going to kick some arse.




Glad I could throw some intelligent conversation out there. There are issues in the world, y'know...

Fuck Cancer, Shop Opening

Yay! I've just opened my PharmaCandy store on Etsy.com. Check out all the angry at cancery goodness. I only have a few things listed at this point but more will be coming on a daily basis.



I've done a lot of looking over the internet trying to find things which express our anger and grief. Well, I was trying to express MY anger and grief. I couldn't find what I was looking for. I began plotting (which is my FAVORITE thing to do) a website after buying the domain name, pissedoffatcancer.com, in a blind moment of feel'n sorry for myself, fury.





This is a photo of me, plotting.





Through everything I have found humour. It's out there. You can laugh at your chemotherapy, bald head, through your nausea etc. etc. It's helped me a lot. My website (when built) will be a place for getting it all out. Our souls are just as important as our bodies and having cancer does not mean we have achieved some angelic like temperament. We are still human and feel happiness, sadness, loss and grief. We also feel outrageous fuck all anger from time to time. Trust me, I'm not an angry person.

Anger is not a character flaw!

My magnets are pretty tame right now....but more are coming.....

OMG! Birthday Present!

I think people are entitled to a birthday week, rather than just one day. Who can get in all the birthday goodness all in one day? There is so much to do!

I bought this necklace for myself because I am my own best friend (except for Kelly from Chemopolooza, of course). I had my eye on one like it just before I was diagnosed because it reflects the large paintings I do. (used to do)



I wish I'd bought this from SmokingLily (smokinglily.com).






This too.






I had a gift this year that blew me away. I am a very independent person and needing all this help has been frustrating. Due to my low immune system, I am not allowed to catch public transportation.

That's right. No buses etc. etc. It's been difficult to say the least because I have to call someone to get to my Dr.s appoinmtents, get groceries.... I generally stay in my area within a few blocks because I can't walk much farther. I've begun frequenting Starbucks because it's somewhere I can actually get to and I don't even drink coffee!

I have had a couple of volunteer agencies, who have been helping me as well. This is great and all but doesn't do much for the self esteem.

Whaa, whaa.



My parents gave me their car! I can't even believe it! Everything I've had I've gotten myself (up until now).

While I was gone for treatment my van sat idle for months and months. It died and I haven't driven for 5 months!

I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be able to get around yourself! My world has opened up from a few blocks to who knows where? Last night I drove all along the water and stopped briefly at all the spots I used to sit at on my breaks from school.

Look out world....I'm back....

Birthday Anniversary

It's my Birthday! I am so grateful to be 35. Thirty five is where it's AT, if ya know what I mean. This time last year I wasn't so sure bout seeing my 35th birthday. I've been having a bit of an emotional time these last few days. I realized, it's for several reasons.



I tend not to think of the negative aspects of my life too much. I love the fresh air, the beach, my friends, the trees, the owl in my yard (I could go on all day). I hope to meet someone and spend my life doing things which help others, and makes me happy.

I think I'm stalling here.

With my BEST BIRTHDAY EVER also comes a difficult anniversary. I met some fantabulous people while I lived in Vancouver for treatment. I lived there for six months full time. I spent weeks in the hospital and 6-8 hours a day with a group of people at the outpatient clinic and at the Cancer Lodge. These people were my people.

Last year some of them didn't make it. More than I care to say. That was the time when I realized I wasn't invincible. I for sure wouldn't live forever. They didn't live forever....I don't believe in dwelling on it, this blog is about living. I do feel I need to honour them though, to say thanks for knowing them.

I want to say I'm so sorry to them, to their families. There are others who I would like to know how they are doing. How are you guys? With my grateful, grateful, kick-ass, BEST BIRTHDAY EVER comes a little sadness. I'm so sorry......

Ha Ha Ha haaaa

I couldn't resist! It's Birthday time!

Magnet Sneak Peek

Here are a couple of magnets which I have designed for sale in my Etsy store. I have several types of designs, but this is a little sample.





They will be 2"x3" which is a somewhat large size. I will get the metric measurements for them later. They should be available by Monday or even a little sooner, as well as others.




I know everybody thinks it, but not many say it. Cancer sucks ass. We shouldn't be ashamed because we have cancer. We didn't "do anything" to bring it on ourselves. This is an epidemic and fuck it, we're pissed off!

She Smelled Blood

I'm feeling much better today after "the incident" yesterday. I am together enough now to call her supervisor and make sure she doesn't come back. Luckily my nurse was here and saw it transpire. I can't believe how low my coping abilities are right now. I have also noticed that when a person is weak and/or in a vulnarable postion some people smell blood. They fly to it and push themselves as some sort of authority or power over the person to take advantage.

I believe this shows weakness of character and hope that most people hold compassion for those in need. Different people have different answers to this experience. I'm so glad most of my experiences with people have been postive. There have sure been some doozies, though. I try and forget about them.

And luckily I'm not one to be pushed over.

To make myself feel better, later today I am going to give a preview to a few of the subversive magnets I've been designing. Yay! They will not be listed in my shop until Monday, though, I have a birthday to celebrate! (yes MY birthday!)

Accosted by My Home Support Worker

I am sitting in my room crying. This blog business is so immediate. I can be crying now and post it. I have some home support to come and clean a little as well as cook some meals. My social worker and nurse have been encouraging me to have groceries and meal ideas for the worker to come and make meals for the week.

My nurse came for a home visit and then the home support worker showed up for the meal prep. I had stuff ready for a big soup and shake and bake chicken. She has two hours. Well, she went off on me about all the pressure I am putting her under. Two hours to make a soup and put chicken in the oven? I've made that soup many times and it's never taken me so long.

Usually I only have about half an hours work for her and she dawdles around killing time. She gets paid for it. She makes out like she has been slave driving and barely made it through. My nurse is fantastic and has jumped in to help mediate and peel potatoes. I can't believe I'm such a mess right now. It's difficult enough to get through the day.

I can hear her bitching to the nurse in my kitchen.

I never would have let this happen before. Being needy SUCKS TO FUCKING HIGH HELL. I am a do it yourselfer and have never needed or asked for help before. I feel like I'm in a hole. I never asked for this.

A friend of mine is coming to save my emotional needy fucking ass.

Studio Nightmare

This...is my studio. Yes there is dust, clutter and I'm pretty sure if I went in, I'd never get out again. I'm not painting yet because of my fatigue issues and haven't been able to set up my studio yet. I'm yearning, yearning, yearning... But truthfully. I'm scared. Eeek...

So again with the magnet obsession. I will be designing, designing....